11 Weeks

Today I am eleven weeks along. I told my boss about the baby and it could not have gone better. I had a nightmare last night that it went horribly, but it was very smooth. Tom is a great boss. He makes sure I know how much he values me as an employee. He perfectly balanced his congratulations with sadness, because I won't be coming back full time. He made it very clear that there is nothing more important in life than parenthood. It has been his greatest joy. He was very understanding of whatever I decide to do from here on out. I am relieved to have had that conversation.

I also told Sarah. It was hilarious. She did not catch on at all so when I finally told her "I am pregnant" she calmly said, "Oh you are." And then did a double take, and was excited. It was too funny. I also told a couple of my friends that are also expecting. It's really fun to tell people in person, I think. So we are making sure we tell all of our close friends and family before any online announcement. My next ultrasound is next week and I am SO excited!!

Ten weeks

I already feel like I am swollen in my mid section, but I have only gained a pound. I started out at 145 pounds, and I am hovering around 146 lately. I am pretty sure it is mostly in my boobs. Super swollen! I am trying to keep first trimester weight gain to a minimum because I really would have liked to get pregnant at 138 pounds. While weight gain is far from the most important thing, I want to keep it healthy. Hopefully I will top out at 170.

Chase and I have talked about names lately too. We have loved the name Kate for a girl for about a year. I am 99% sure that is our girl name. Our boy name right now is Corbin. Chase has a good friend, Corbin Gale, who we love, and we love the name. I am not sold on that one yet, but we will find out the gender before we spend too much time on the name.

We are mostly focused on getting the house done. I am trying to manage cash flow while also moving the project forward and it's tough. Chase is busy in school but helps when he can. Connie has been a life saver. She comes over several days every week to offer her help and it has made a huge difference. When we were in St. George, Chase asked Connie if she would surprise me by finishing the paint on the basement fireplace. And she did so much more! Rich, Tiffany, Sarah, Hona, Henry, and Megan all came to help. They got the entire basement painted, touch ups and all. They installed the basement toilet, cleaned the basement windows and screens,  started the shower hardware, fixed a huge hole in the wall in the upstairs bathroom, sealed the basement tile and grout, mudded the upstairs office walls, moved a light switch and primed the hallway. Basically 40+ hours of labor while I spent time with Chase in St. George. I cried when I came home to the best surprise!

Speaking of St. George, the marathon went great! I mean, considering I was 8+ weeks pregnant, had hardly trained, and I have knee issues. Lauren and I ran the whole thing together and finished at 4:27. We had initially tried for 4:20 (10 minute mile pace) but miles 20-24 were REALLY hard so we fell off pace a bit. We felt great for the first ten, like we weren't even trying. Even the big hill at miles 7 was not a big deal. We stopped on the way up because we spotted open potties, then kept moving. The hill continues gradually for another 4 miles or so. That took it out of us a bit. At about half way we had our first little hiccup. Lauren stopped to stretch and get an icy hot rub for her hamstring. The next 7 miles went great, we just had to work a little harder than the first 10. We had only stopped at aid stations to drink water and then we would run again. Lots of water, gatorade, orange slices, and gu. At miles 16 Chase, Sean, Alfie and the kids came to cheer for us. At this point I handed off the banana I had been carrying for 16 miles in case of hunger. Seeing our people was definitely a highlight. Then at mile 20, I hit a little wall. My knees, ankles, hips and back started to hurt SO bad. It wasn't muscle pain, just joint pain. Luckily, no IT band pain (a miracle) and no cramping in the baby area. The next four miles felt like 20, but Lauren held back a little and stayed with me. At mile 24, the 4:30 pacer passed us. That was enough to kick us into high gear. We finished strong with sub 9 minute miles and it was fun! We finished without injury=success!

That night I was in a lot of pain, still just the joints. The next two days were more just muscle pain. And now I feel great!

At nine weeks and two days we got to another ultra sound. Perks of being a "high risk" prego. Dr. Barton has me coming in every two weeks up to this point. Chase got to come with me this time and I am so glad! It was so fun to be together and it became a little more real for both of us. Here are the pictures and video...


Can you even believe it! The baby already moves around! I was so excited to see that! What a neat experience. I don't think I ever appreciated how fast a tiny embryo turns into a functioning baby! I learned that at ten weeks, everything is in place and from this point forward the baby mostly just gets bigger. There is still lots of developing to do, but all of the organs are formed and present. I love looking up the different developmental stages every few days. I measured two days early at my last ultrasound and this time I measured three days early. This is good! My due date is Tuesday, May 10th. Chase finishes spring semester April 29th and starts summer semester May 9th. So we are hoping for May 1-4 so we Chase can have a week off to be with us! I think we have a decent chance because I was 8 pounds 3 ounces on my due date, and Chase was 8 pounds 6 ounces three weeks early. So if we have a big baby we have a better chance at going a week early.

We had the family pumpkin patch party a few days ago, always a good time! I saw Maggie who is 21 weeks along with a boy and it was fun to chat about things! She wants to name her boy John and call him Jack.

I told Emily about the baby last week and she was so excited! She asked to be an honorary aunt, and I think she'll make a good one. We also told the Lakeys because Loni saw the ultrasound on the fridge! They are excited for us too.

Today is Chase's birthday and I am ten weeks and one day. Chase is really sick and has a chemistry test, so we may celebrate tomorrow. But I just can't help but be grateful that, even when days are long and hard, we are really blessed with everything that is going on in our lives right now.

5 Weeks and 3 Days---7 weeks and 1 day

Friday Sept. 11th, I went to see Dr. Barton for my first prenatal visit. We talked briefly for a few minutes before he did an ultrasound. There was not a lot to see, but it was still really neat. I could see the little black dot that is the gestational sac with a small gray line on the top side of the sac that is the yolk sac. The primary purpose of having an ultrasound this early is to make sure that the embryo implants in the uterus, and not anywhere else. So, we got all the good news we needed.

We have known about our tiny bean for a whole week. It's been fun to keep it our little secret, even if it is was only a week.

That night we went to a University of Utah football game with Lauren and Sean. We were not planning on telling anyone for at least another week., but it just came out! When the boys went to get drinks, Lauren said, "Did I tell you that the doctor said Reagan can have milk?" I said, "No. Did I tell you I am pregnant?" Needless to say, she was surprised because I had told her I was getting an IUD two weeks earlier. She was really excited, and then we told Sean, and he was excited too.

On Sunday, we were at my mom's house. I told Hudson I had a baby in my tummy, which he understands to a certain degree because he knows Reagan is a baby and he knows Whitney's belly was big because she had a baby in her belly. When I told Hudson, he said, "Where?" Then I bribed him to tell Grandma if I promised to by him a toy car. Here's the video....

That night, we went to Chase's family party at his parents house for Jeff's birthday. We picked up a card on the way over and taped the ultrasound on the back, and wrote a note inside. Here's the video...

On Tuesday I was 6 weeks. Here is a picture...


On Thursday, I went to Avery's soccer game. I love going to these games! Such a fun part of fall. After the win, I had Hudson tell Avery too. Her reaction was pretty good! Here is the video...

On Saturday, I helped mom with a yard sale, then went to Zach's crit in downtown Ogden. It is a square block lap race on the roads. SO COOL! It was really fun to be able to watch the whole thing. And he won! And in all the excitement I forgot to tell him the news.

That night we helped with the ward party and raced down to Market Street Grill in Cottonwood heights for an early birthday dinner for Avery. Hudson wasn't there so I just texted Zach from the other side of the table "I'm pregnant." He was really cute and excited.

On Sunday, we went to Grandma and Grandpa Thomas's house after dinner. Chase said, "Hey I have a story." And with everyone's attention said, "Chloe's pregnant!" It was fun to tell more family. I will tell my family as soon as I see them.

And just like that, I am seven weeks and one day today! I had my second ultra sound. Chase has a hard time making it all the way from Ogden from school to IMC in Murray, so my mom came with me. We got to see the heart beat! It was a good, fast beat of _____. Here are some pictures and a video. I think it looks like a gummy bear!

Round 2

November 2014 - I went to Dr. Barton's office for my last of several post-op appointments. I was feeling completely back to normal, physically and emotionally. I remember the last questions I asked him was, "When can we try again?" He paused, looked at his lap for a second and then looked back at me. "If you were 32, I would say, let's try again in 3 months. But look (pointing to my birthday on my chart). You are 23. Take time to let this sink in. Give it closer to 6 months, if you can." I took his advice to heart, but felt good about trying in 3-6 months. I joke that I am a "fast healer." My red blood cell count had risen to mid 40's in a matter of weeks, and I had done an interval workout on the track two weeks after surgery. So, I was young, healthy, and I could try again as soon as I wanted.

January 2015 - I have no idea what happened, but when I was approaching 3 months post-op, I had a melt down. The thought of trying again made me kind of sick to my stomach. I had never felt so much legitimate fear in my life. Growing up, when people would ask me what I was a afraid of, I would say, "Nothing." Now that I have grown up (a little) I do have some real fears (losing Chase, for example) but I have never been afraid to do something, try something, choose to make a leap or get something done. It felt new. And I hated the feeling. Lauren suggested months later that I might have experienced some postpartum depression as my hormones figured things out. Needless to say, we did not start trying again at three months. Or at 6. In fact, I decided to start taking Accutane in January, a drug that is at the top of the "Do not take while pregnant" list. I have had minor acne since high school, but this experience made it SO much worse and painful, and tons of my hair had fallen out too. So much that I chopped it off into a bob (an accidental confidence booster/change of pace I had no idea would help so much). So I pulled the trigger and started the acne drug. It felt amazing to think, I don't even have the option to think about getting pregnant for 6 more months. Such a relief. 

June 2015 - I finished my cycle of Accutane. Previous to finishing I had wondered when we would try again, but I still didn't want to. Over the last few months, my fears had gone from "What if I have another ectopic?" to worrying about experiencing postpartum depression, being a bad mom, not being able to get pregnant, regretting having kids too soon, having disabled kids, having kids change our marriage, etc. A few really honest conversations with Chase, Lauren, and my mom helped me work through some of those fears. Lauren told me that I would be better prepared for the good and the bad because I have scrutinized the choice to have kids so much. Hopefully that is the case. 

July 2015 - The switch flipped back in the other direction. I started doing the math...how soon can we safely try again after I finished the acne medication? Do we want to have a baby in the spring? Chase was so normal during all of this, as I continued to be a spaz. I would explain how I was feeling, then he would tell me why he agreed or disagreed and why it was ok for me to feel that way. I literally made a list of pros and cons to having a baby in 2016 (for some people, praying is all it takes. For me, I have to analyze it to death, then see how I feel). And then I stopped taking birth control. 

Middle of July 2015 - I panicked. I told Chase, "Honestly I hope we don't get pregnant this month because I think I want to go back on the pill." August 4th I got my dot, as Chase calls it, or shark week, depending on the situation. I went back on the pill. I started considering all the reasons I needed to wait a few more months. Not a few more years, just a few more months. I wanted to finish the house, go on a tropical vacation without a belly in tow, save some more money, etc. And I really, really love my job. I wanted to develop my career a bit more. 

August 2015 - The third week in August, Chase and I went down to Arizona to help Lauren and Sean move to Utah (AMEN!). I was putting Hudson to bed on August 21st (17 days after my dot). He likes to read a book, look at pictures, sing a song, say a prayer, then snuggle and go to sleep. After we read two books, we looked through Chase's Instagram feed for our fill of pictures. When I got to a picture of Hudson two years ago as a baby, Hudson said, "Is that your baby?" "No, silly that is you!" "You growing a baby?" "No I am not." "Why you not growing a baby?" "I don't know." "You need a baby." As he causally scrolled to the next picture. I told Lauren, Sean and Chase about this little conversation and laughed. On that trip, I lost my birth control pill pack, missed two days, and got a new pack at home to use for the last half of the month, and took two pills. That very weekend, Chase decided to quit his job and go back to school full time to prepare to apply for medical school. Three years of pre-requisites. I told Chase, "I think we should wait to have kids until you are accepted into a program." On Sunday August 30th, I told my mom and Lauren, "I am going to get an IUD." I tried three times that week to make an appointment to get an IUD, and somehow, I could not get a hold of the right nurse, scheduling was at lunch, they aren't in on Mondays, etc. Did I mention that I went to a baby shower on August 27th, where I saw my OBGYN and he asked me if we had been trying since my surgery. I said "No." And that was that.

September 2015 - September 3rd, Chase and I were laying on the grass in our back yard playing with Alfie abut 10 pm. I said "You know what week it is?" "No." "Shark week." "Really?" "Well it should be, and it's not." I always start my dot on a Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. It was Thursday night. But I had missed a pill on Saturday and taken two on Sunday to finish my pack, so that must be why. I went to the dollar store on my way to work the next morning and picked up two tests. I thought, I will be able to relax if I get it out of the way. So, I took a test AT WORK (NEVER DO THIS. NEVER.). First of all, it feels even weirder peeing in a cup at work. Then what the hell do you do with the cup and dropper thing? And what do you do when the second line appears that says, "You bet your bottom dollar sister, you're growing a human." The first word, and only word out of my mouth was "shit!" in a whisper/yell.

Knowing that all morning did not help me focus at all. I had the shakes and could barely get anything done. I wanted to talk to Chase so bad. But I also considered not telling him until I knew everything was ok. That could never happen because I am incapable of keeping secrets from him. But, as I thought about telling anyone, the feelings of one year ago (almost to the day) came at the same time. So I opted to go get a blood test. Right then I headed to IMC to get my blood drawn. Every hour for three hours I called to get the result. On the third call, the lab assistant said, "I cannot interpret these results, but I can give you the number." I know, I know, I know. "Your HCG is 1849." I did not need an interpretation to know that last time I was almost 5 weeks pregnant, my HCG was 80. This was a definite sign of improvement over last year. I was surprised at how happy I was. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. In fact I had made a concerted effort to not get pregnant. But there I was, happy. 

That night, we went to Avery's soccer game against U of U. What a fun game. I look forward to it every fall. And they won! As we all walked to our cars, my dad asked me, "Are you pregnant?" "No, dad of course not." "Oh, you are just wearing a baggy shirt." How did he know!? After, Chase and I drove up to his family's cabin in Heber City for a little Labor Day weekend fun. The last time we were at the cabin, I had left in a mini van on my way to the emergency room and ended up in surgery that night with my first pregnancy. When we got there, Chase and I took Alfie on a walk and I gave Chase a present for completing his first week of pre-medical requirements. The first was a book that was all about the application to med school process. The second was "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss. I had ordered both books earlier in the week, not thinking I would use it to tell Chase this news. I had written Chase a congrats note in the front of the Dr. Seuss book, signed Chloe, Alfie and Baby Reynolds. He read the note, standing in the dark at 11 pm in the woods. His face was so precious. His eyes welled with tears. It was a moment I won't forget. It was different than last year, better. It felt more real. He seemed so excited! Maybe it was because this time it was a surprise. Whatever it was, it was perfect. 

Two days later on Sunday, Chase made me the best scrambled eggs, and we went to IMC together to get my blood drawn a second time. Pregnant blood is supposed to double in HCG hormone every 48 hours. Last year, mine had gone down 1 point in two days. After the blood draw, which Chase scrutinized due to his phlebotomy training, we got lunch at the hospital. I called every hour on the hour. The first time I called, the tech said something about 1420... referring to the military time of day. I about died before she clarified that was not my result. The third time I called, "3764" the tech said through the phone that was on speaker so Chase could hear. That is slightly more than double. Which means it is more than likely not ectopic. Which is a relief, considering the risk for ectopic goes from 1% to 15-20% since I have already had one. Again, it felt better than last time. It also feels different. Last time, I felt so intensely that it was a girl. This time, I am not so sure. Although, I will be surprised if it is a boy. 

Now, we are looking forward to a doctor appointment, ultrasound, and getting out of the first trimester. I am 5 weeks today (9/8/15), and I am feeling so ready, so excited. With the number of times I have changed my mind this year about how I feel, it is so good to feel ready. I feel really blessed too. I do think things happen for a reason, but I am not generally a person that thinks things fall from heaven. I believe we make choices and generally, things happen because of those choices. But I cannot help but be grateful for how things have happened. As crazy as it seems, it seems like Chase making the decision about what he wants to do with his career was a trigger. Making that decision after kids would have been much harder. Lauren moving home is even a huge thing for me. I wouldn't want to do this without her close. Even Hudson asking me within days of when I conceived, if I was growing a baby. To me that is unreal, too much. The timing at work is impeccable. I am due May 10th, right after the tax deadline (accountants will understand why that is a legitimate concern!). We will have been married for almost five years, which isn't everything, but I am glad we had as much times as we did with just the two of us. We are in the perfect position to have a lot of these big life changes happening at once. It's so good to feel so happy, since I have been so cynical about the whole thing for a while, mostly out of fear and lack of assurance. I also can't help but think this pregnancy will be ok, that we will make it to the end. I should be one of those people that is very apprehensive and nervous. But too many things have worked out too perfectly, too many to be coincidences. I have to believe that it will be ok this time. And I told Chase, it's just like anything--I can choose to be happy with the possibility of being disappointed, or I can be nervous with the chance of being happy. I choose happy now.  

The Weekend

Friday morning I woke up and thought I had been hit by a train. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom, and that's it. Chase brought me water and pain meds, and I didn't move until about 3 that afternoon. And I don't mean I laid in bed. I mean I did. Not. Move. I remember thinking, I should roll to my other side. I didn't roll. My mom came down and snuck in while I was sleeping, made a big pot of chicken noodle soup, and sat with me for a couple hours and talked. It made for a better afternoon. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember feeling better. Mom's do that.

Saturday morning I felt much better. We got up and headed to Park City to watch Conference with my mom. I love conference, but I'll need to go back and go over it, considering I was doped up all weekend. Then we went to watch Zach's bike race. My mom got me VIP parking (handicapped) because walking was painful and slow. Zach did amazing, taking 7th and killing his last lap. I love high school athletics. I hadn't had a chance to tell Avery anything that had happened. She was having a bad day Wednesday , the day I had the chemo shot, so I didn't tell her the events of the last couple of days, and she had been out of town for a game. When we were all watching Zach, she ended up being a little late from the airport and had a friend with her, so I decided to wait to talk to her about it. After the race, we headed up to Timberlakes in Heber City where Chase's family has a cabin. Chase went to priesthood with the guys and the girls stayed and crafted. I sure love the cabin. At this point Connie, Tony, Megan and Jeff who were all at the cabin had been informed of the weeks happenings. But grandma and grandpa Thomas, and Jeff, Lisa, Ben and Sophie had not. And that's how I wanted it. I wanted it kept private. Chase and Connie made sure to take care of me though, so I was able to relax. That night I was feeling really good and I don't like how Percocet makes me feel, so I decided to not take one before bed, or during the night.

That was a mistake. I woke up, again, feeling like I had been hit by a train. My abdomen felt like it did before I went to the ER on Thursday night. So I laid in bed, ate two bites of toast, took a Percocet, and slept until Conference started. At that point I went down stairs and laid on a coach. I think Connie knew I wasn't okay. She jumped up and asked that someone on the love seat move so I could sit there, and Chase joined me. She repeatedly asked if I needed water or food or a blanket or a million dollars--I really think she would have tried. Conference was great, although I struggled to stay awake, it just feels good.

And then the session ended, and all hell broke loose. I stood up to join Chase and Tony at the dinner table to chat, five feet from where I had been sitting. After sitting for about a minute, I stopped listening to what they were talking about. I started to get dizzy. Then my vision got blurry. Then my hearing was muffled. I could feel my face drooping and my mouth hanging open. I couldn't focus on anything. I could kind of hear what was going on, but not all of it.

Tony: Chase, she is yellow.
Chase: Chlo are you ok?
Tony: Let's get her laying down.
That's all I've got.

Chase tells me this: They both stood up to help me down the hall, as I dropped my head onto my arm on the table. I tried to stand up once, then sat back down. They helped me up, one on each arm, I took one step, and dropped to the floor. They caught me and laid me down. Chase said he tried to get me to respond to him

"Chloe. Chloe can you hear me." I was looking him straight in the eyes. And then my eyes rolled back in my head.

I came to as Grandpa Earl who was an EMT for many years was suggesting that it was my appendix, something I haven't had for two years. I heard Connie in the back ground telling them to give me a blessing, my third one this week. Chase called Grandpa and Jeff over to join. I grabbed randomly at the wrists near my head, and I got Chase's. I had no idea what was happening, and I didn't quite know what was going on yet or where I was. I felt like I had been sleeping for hours. And then I hear this.

"Chloe Calton Reynolds, by the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood we hold, please stay with us."

I truly thought I was dying. Or at least that people around me thought I was dying.

After the blessing, Chase started telling people what to do and said "We are going to the hospital NOW." I just heard lots of commotion as I layer there. The only thing I remember seeing with clear eyes as I was laying down was Tony's face. I kept saying, "What happened?" And he assured me everything was fine, and he didn't leave. Everyone else was getting the car ready to go. When the van was just out side the door, I was stood up and was helped over to the bed they had made for me. I laid down and that was it. Megan came and sat by me in the back. She's a CNA. Connie came and sat up front. Chase drove. As we pulled away from the cabin, I heard Chase cry for just a minute. He doesn't  cry often. On the way down the canyon Megan took my wrist at one point and then said, "It's there, but it's too weak to count." The second time I thought I could really be dying.

I learned after all of this that poor Grandpa Earl kept trying to diagnose the problem as I was being put in the van. Connie finally turned to him and told him I had lost a baby. Poor guy was embarrassed. And Uncle Jeff pulled Chase aside at one point and said, "She does not have the flu. What is really going on here?" All weekend while I'm walking around slow and everyone is doting over me, Lisa had asked if I was pregnant, and Connie appropriately responded that I was not. But passing out in the middle of a full cabin will pretty much disclose every detail. I was not okay with telling everyone. This experience has taught me that I am much more private than (some) other people. But Chase put it best when I was annoyed how many people had suddenly found out about the WHOLE story, "It's just more people praying for you, that's powerful."

On the drive down things got much more clear. I told Chase to call my parents and Lauren, and to tell Lauren to call Dr. Barton. Chase reminded me that my dad had flown to Greece that morning. "Call him anyway, they might have a layover." And he did. For 90 short minutes he was in New York calling the Heber ER, the surgeon on call, the OBGYNs at Mckay, Dr. Barton and every other resource he had. From hundreds of miles away, he was everything I needed him to be.

We arrive to find a wheelchair waiting. Connie had called ahead. They got me in a bed, gave me an IV with who knows what in it, asked me a bunch of questions, and took me to get an ultra sound (and their technician was not my favorite; very impatient). And then I waited. My mom arrived, bawling, confused at how this was still unresolved (as was I). Then Avery and her cute friend Hannah arrived. I hugged Avery and she cried, this was the first she had learned that it wasn't a normal miscarriage, whatever that means. Not how I wanted to tell her, but she's tough and she understood. Mom took on the job of texting every detail to dad. When we get a lab result back, she tells dad. When the doctor breathes, she tells dad. It helped so that when my dad finally called me back he said, "If you can make it to IMC, do that. Let your own doctor operate on you. And don't let them do surgery unless your tube has ruptured, or you are loosing a lot of blood."

They couldn't tell why I had passed out. Best guess was the high altitude with some blood loss. My hematocrit was down to 32; down 6 points in three days. Not good, but not dangerous. They said the ultrasound showed the mass in my tube was still about the same size, and there was still fluid in my abdomen, but nothing much different. I told them I wanted to go to IMC, and they said that was fine, right after I signed a waiver that said if I die on the way to IMC, they told me I could have taken an ambulance. The doctor made me promise that I wouldn't try to walk into the hospital when we got there.

So Chase drove me to IMC. Everyone else went back to the cabin, mom to PC, and Avery went home to Provo. I called Dr. Barton and he met us there and had me admitted. As promised, I waited for a wheelchair, feeling dumb as pregnant women walked passed me. I was, again, in a gown in a bed in a room, in about 5 minutes. The nurse immediately put me back on morphine and drew more blood. I chatted with Jeff while Chase went to move the car. Per my medicated memory, he thought surgery might be a good idea. Just to see what was going on--why I have ended up in the hospital three of the last five days, why my hematocrit was dropping, possibly prevent a tube from rupturing, or remove a ruptured tube. I was not interested in exploratory surgery, but he had a point. I wanted to know I wasn't going to need another run to the ER in the next few days or bleed out in my sleep. I did make it clear, I would like to keep my tube if possible. So Jeff left and we waited for blood work.

Lauren and Hudson came down after taking Sean to the airport. Chase had Hudson in the lobby and I was filling Lauren in when my cell phone rang. It was Jeff, telling my my hematocrit was 26--down 6 points in the last two hours. That's fast and dangerous. He didn't ask, he told me, "You will be going into surgery in about ten minutes." I told Lauren, who called mom and texted Avery, who texted dad, and so on. Connie and Tony arrived just then. Lauren left to take Hudson to Jan's house. The four of us said a prayer, Lauren came back, and they walked with my nurse as she pushed me two the OR. I wasn't nervous physically, probably the morphine, in fact I think I was oddly cheery, while everyone else was crying. But I kept thinking...I am having emergency surgery for internal blood loss...I would sure like to live...Dramatic I know, but for the past several weeks I had been optimistic, and every fork in the road went south. I had kind of run out of it-will-be-alrights. I hugged Chase, Tony, Connie, Lauren and Chase again. And then I got scared and didn't immediately let go of Chase. But I didn't really have time to be scared. I met my anesthesiologist, and I was out before I got to 3.

Apparently I ripped my feet out of the boots they have you strapped to during surgery. Cool I guess? They went into my abdomen from my belly bottom, my lower appendectomy scar, and made a new incision I've added to the collection on my left side. All very small. Thank goodness for laparoscopic surgery. They pumped me full of air and look around. The 300-500 cc's of blood they thought that might find turned out to be 1.6 liters. Go ahead, have a sprite. Jeff was shocked. They had to use the super sucker, as he called it, to get it all out. They had to rock my body from side to side and move my organs around to get it all out. They estimated the whole surgery would take under 1.5 hours. At just over an hour, they called Chase and told him about the blood, and they were just barely starting to look at the actual problem. They stopped the bleeding, and found a really beat up left tube. The right side is pink and normal. The left side was swollen, twisted, and had huge blood clots attached to it. They removed the clots, made two incisions into the tube to pull out whatever was creating the swollen bumps, but found nothing. So, the theory is that the mass started to smolder and pulled itself away from the wall of the tube after I got the chemo shots. That started the bleeding and that's why I was in so much pain on Thursday. But why the bleeding intensified so much Sunday afternoon, no one knows. It could be because there was nothing in my tube, that the mass rolled (or plundered) out of the tube into my abdomen and reattached itself to the out side of the tube, opening the flood gates for the bleeding. That makes the most sense, since the ultrasound in Heber earlier in the day showed that the mass was still in my tube.

Waking up from surgery is a doozy. Chase makes fun of me because I always talk about how I love the feeling of coming out of anesthesia. When I had my tonsils out, I was basically high as a kite. When I had my appendectomy, I woke up sobbing. I wasn't in pain, just sobbing, for like 30 minutes. My dad was also by my bedside when I came too. But this time I was crying, and rolling around on my hospital bed and trying to wake up because limbo is not fun. It took quite a while to come out of it. Family met me in the hall and walked to my room with me. I was still delirious. I do remember asking Chase to lean down and put his face by mine and just be. I don't think I like anesthesia anymore.

Then everyone left, Chase slept on the window bench, and I slept well most of the night. I had the best nurse at IMC I think. I think her name was Andy (again, drugs). She was so sweet. She told me not to get up without her help. During surgery they pumped me full of 3 liters of IV fluids to replace the blood loss, so I had to pee like 20 times that night. I'll tell you what, having your bum hang out of a hospital gown while a complete stranger helps you get to the toilet that is 10 feet from your bed while you shuffle hunched over in pain... That is humbling. And I just assume do most things on my own. If nothing else, I have learned to take help from those around me, give people the opportunity to serve me. I had to suck it up and ask for pain meds when I needed them, even when I didn't really want to admit I was in pain. So every couple of hours Andy was in my room for about 15 minutes. I asked about her life and she said she and her husband are in the process of adopting because she can't get pregnant after eight years of trying. And then I stopped feeling sorry for myself about no longer being pregnant. Life is just full of little learning experiences and people to remind you. I am still left with my right side, completely functional (they checked it out during surgery), and my left side may heal just fine, and we at least know that all things are going well enough for us to get pregnant. That's an enormous part of the battle. Little victories.

October 2nd

The next day I woke up feeling drained. Probably more emotionally than from the chemo. I let work know I was going to be late and wasn't feeling well. "Don't come in if you are sick."
"I'm not contagious."

When I got there, I looked like hell I am sure. My friend asked me what I had, and I had a mini melt down. I had planned perfectly what I would say so I could lie and keep my secret a secret. But the two of them were very supportive and told me to go home, I shouldn't be at work. But I wanted to stay and get my mind off of everything and get something done. So I worked for a few hours and left feeling a bit nauseous and feeling an unfamiliar pressure in my chest.

I went to Lauren's house and tried to relax. I really did feel ok, I was just anxious. Then I started cramping. We decided to go on a walk to the farmer's market that is two houses from hers. After about 2 minutes, I doubled over in pain. It felt as though someone had punched me in the chest. It brought me to tears, and scared us both. She called Dr. Barton who is also her OBGYN and family friend, and I called dad. Barton said, you may want to go to the ER to get checked for blood clots. Clots aren't a symptom of chemo, but chest pain is not a good thing. Dad said, if the chest pain stopped you should be okay. Lauren and I loaded up the car to head to Ogden, still unsure about whether I should go to the ER at McKay or if I was going to be fine. But on the drive up I could barely contain the pain of the cramps. It felt like someone was blending my stomach with a fork from the front and kicking me in the back. I called Chase to tell him what Barton and Dad had said. "Do me a favor. Stop at my parent's house and have Tony give you a blessing." He was in Park City working and would be behind us about an hour.

We got to Tony, and I still hadn't decided if I just needed to lay down or if I really needed an ER. When Tony realized that I was thinking about not going, he said something along the lines of, Oh yes you are, I'll drive you myself! When I told Chase I didn't know if I should go to the ER, he said, you know how we just keep thinking this is going to end, and bad things keep happening? Go to the ER before something really bad happens. So, Tony gave me a blessing, we left Hudson, and Lauren drove me to the ER.

Upon our arrival, the nurses waiting at the door looked at Lauren, 36 weeks pregnant and said, "Labor and delivery?" Um, no. But when I said chest pain, they all jumped. I was in a gown on a bed in a room in no more than five minutes. The doctor and nurse seemed much more concerned with my chest, which was no longer in pain, just tight, than with the searing pain in my abdomen. It reminded me of the pain before I had my appendectomy done 2 years ago. They did give me morphine, and that helped. A lot. I got a CT scan to check my chest for blood clots. They drew blood to check for internal bleeding, and my hematocrit came back at 38; the low end of normal. I had been bleeding vaginally for a very long time, so maybe that's why. But no one was concerned. So I was sent home with Percocet and Zofran. And the feeling that someone should have warned me that Methotrexate would make me feel like I was dying.

We missed a really great night at the David Eccles Conference Center. My grandpa Ferrell was honored my the McKay Dee Hospital Board for starting the cath lab at McKay. He gave a speech and everything. I was mortified that we missed it.

October 1st

On my way to my appointment on Wednesday, October 1st, I was sure I was going to have an ultrasound, everything would be normal. I was just having an exceptionally long period because I had just miscarried. Worst case, Dr. Barton, Jeff, would recommend a D&C; the removal of excess pregnancy material left behind in the uterus via scrapping the uterus wall. That sound horrifying, so I would simply ask if it was absolutely necessary. If so, scrape. If not, I would continue to moderately bleed until everything ran it's course.

Chase had said to me that morning, "Do you want me to come with you?" I declined. It's an 11:30 appointment right in the middle of the day, and it will be routine I am sure. 

I got there on time, and Connie, the ultrasound technician was great. She was really sweet. She asked me to tell her what was going on and answered my questions as she looked at my belly. But it took a really long time. So I asked what she was seeing. And she didn't say much. "There is some large swelling and a mass over here... and some fluid over here...but there is nothing in your uterus. You shouldn't be bleeding at all. I can't figure this out. What you've told me doesn't really make sense with what I'm seeing."

Back to the lobby. When Jeff called me back, he looked at me and said, "What's going on with you?" Um, I don't know, you're the doctor. We went into a room to discuss what the ultrasound was showing. His bedside manner is great, but he was obviously having a hard time getting to the point. While he talks I'm thinkgin--Ok, so I'm not having a D&C? Oh good. But what was in there? Why am I bleeding again? And out of the blue...

"You have two options; chemotherapy or surgery."

You have the wrong patient file. Sorry, try again. But then he went on. There is a mass in my left Fallopian tube. It is 3.8 cm in diameter. It's the pregnancy. There is no heartbeat, no baby. The baby died weeks ago. But the placenta is still growing attached to the wall of the tube. It's called an Ectopic pregnancy. The stress on the tube as it stretches around the growing mass is where the bleeding is coming from. The fluid in my abdomen is blood from the tube as well. It's bleeding out both ends. It's not a dangerous amount of blood though. The chemotherapy of choice is called Methotrexate. It is no longer used on cancer patients, but it is used on MS patients, other diseases, and Ectopic or tubal pregnancies. The mass is growing at a rapid rate; it is larger than a normal pregnancy would be at 8 weeks. They treat these ravaging placentas like cancer because they will do anything to survive and grow, even without a baby to support. Methotrexate targets and kills rapidly dividing cells, ie. cancer. So the idea is the chemo will cause the mass to stop growing, and be reabsorbed into my body. I won't lose my hair, and will hardly notice any symptoms at all. Ectopic pregnancies are dangerous. They can cause the tube to rupture and internal bleeding can go undetected. The chemo is used when there is no heart beat, the mass is smaller than 3.2-3.5 cm in diameter, and HCG levels are below 5000. Otherwise, the mass is too strong to be thwarted by the chemo, or the risk of rupture is too high, and surgery is the alternative. 

As he talked, I listened. I didn't cry until I tried to ask a question. He was very kind and supportive, but anxious. He said I needed to get the chemo immediately. Although the mass with slightly larger than is usually treated with chemo, surgery is always the last recommendation because it is more invasive. I went to get my blood drawn so they could verify that my HCG was low enough, and it was; 1485. Normally a pregnancy at 8 weeks produces HCG, the pregnancy hormone, in the tens of thousands. So my placenta was producing very little, but growing rapidly. They didn't see the pregnancy the first time I had an ultrasound, the day I found out I was miscarrying, because it was too small to see. And now it was big. 

I called Chase and told him all of that in about 2 minutes, barely able to speak. I was horrified, more scared than I think I have every been. He left work and immediately came to meet me at the cancer center at IMC, where they give the Methotrexate. He expressed concern; doesn't chemo hurt your future furtility? Does surgery sound like a better option? Then I called my dad. I rarely do anything medical without his recommendation first. Through tears I asked if I should let them give me the chemo. He tried to calm me down, but I could hear it in his voice. He doesn't get scared, and to him, nothing requires a doctor unless it's a really big deal, and he sounded nervous. He said, don't let them give you anything until I call you back. As I walked to the Cancer center I called Lauren, who knew I had an appointment that day. And I called my mom who offered to come down just as Chase arrived. We walked upstairs to the second floor of building three. They put me in a room, and right as the nurse walked in my dad called back. He had spoken with a trusted OBGYN friend of his who reiterated the same recommendations that Dr. Barton had given me. I later learned that my dad got emotional as he talked to his friend about my condition. I got the green light from Dad right as the nurse came in with a couple a big syringes. From the time that I spoke with Dr. Barton, to the time I was being injected with chemotherapy, was about one hour. And then I went back to work. That lasted 15 minutes, and I went home.