August 27

I called chase and told him. I didn't cry, and neither did he. I was very matter of fact. I was sad, but didn't really feel anything yet. I mean, am I allowed to even feel sad? I was only aware of the pregnancy for 6 days before I started bleeding. In physical terms, I kind of just had a late period.

But emotionally, I had envisioned being a parent. I had envisioned Chase as a dad. I had spent the previous Saturday going all over town selecting the best car seat and stroller. We had told our immediate families that we were expecting. I had fallen in love with the name that we already agreed on. We were some how sure of the gender, and everyone in the family had said the same thing; that we were having a girl. But at the time, I didn't feel anything. It was a Wednesday. I went about my day. I even went to my soccer game that night. That's how sure I was that it was over, there was nothing I could do. My dad called me out of the blue and asked how I was doing, "How's my pregnant daughter?"
"Not pregnant."
Chase did the noble deed of sharing our sad news with his family so I wouldn't have to. One emotion I do remember feeling was regret; I wished so bad that I hadn't told anyone we were pregnant. Next time, I thought, we aren't telling anyone until we absolutely have to. I texted my sister Lauren and told her I was miscarrying. And I texted my mom. I texted Avery and Zach to tell them what had happened. And then I put on a happy face and played my soccer game. There were two brand new babies on the sidelines.

Afterwards, chase took me to dinner. We went to Olive Garden, the greasy old place we used to go to on dates in high school. We had a good time. I almost lost control once, and decided I didn't want to talk about it. I called my mom when I got home and bawled. I don't do that, I don't cry to my mom. Ask her, I just don't. But I completely lost control while Chase was in the next room, not knowing what to do. 

Then I called Lauren. She asked for details.
What exactly did the doctor say?
Well I haven't talked to the doctor.
What was your HCG?
It was 80. It should be at least ten times that.
She had spoken to a dear friend of hers, with my permission, who had gone through too many miscarriages in the last year. Her friend had said that bleeding was normal, and having low levels is normal. And suddenly, I thought maybe we were ok.