Labor Day Weekend

The next day, I went to a Footsteps for Fertility 5k for a good friend, distant relative, and co-worker of mine. I had signed up to run and support her days before I found out I was pregnant. And the day after I found out I was not pregnant, I showed up to run. I didn't see many of the people I work with. Which was good. It was hard for me to be there. My mom was there though. And after the race, we sat in her car and I cried just a little. Feeling exposed and vulnerable is not something I enjoy and it is hard for me, but it felt good. My mom never had a miscarriage, and she expressed how sorry she was. I think somewhere inside her she wished she had so she could better support me. But I am glad she never had to, of course. I think it has been good for me to experience this, since I had to at all, independent of any family history of miscarriage. I don't know why, I just do. I think it's because I don't love when people take a hard situation and compare it to their own hard situation. Some people, like me, grieve better independently. But that's a loaded statement too, because I needed Chase. I needed those few hard talks with my mom. I needed Lauren, who was out of town during all of this. She apologized for not being there, but I think it was good for me to lean on my mom. And have the conversations I needed to have with a woman, with my mom. I needed to know of those miracle births, of people who "couldn't" have kids, who did. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I just didn't know I needed it yet. My friend did win a portion of an IVF treatment at the 5k, and I couldn't be happier for her. My mom and I then went to my cousin's baby's baptism. She is pregnant with her 7th child. Yes, seventh. She had issues in the beginning, and they obviously all worked out. But that day, all I saw was a pregnant belly I didn't have, six kids I didn't know if I would ever get. But I believe in doing hard things. Showing up to face a fear, rather than staying home to wallow and hide.

I kept bleeding. I wanted to do anything but sit home and think about how sad I was. How I would feel when April 30th came around. What if I have a genetic defect that makes my eggs worthless? What if I have another miscarriage? What if five years from now, I am no closer to having kids? What if I never have a baby? I tried to be optimistic, but these are all legitimate concerns that inherently come with a miscarriage.

Chase took me up to Park City. Jeff and Megan came too. It was good to have some fun and get my mind off of it. But the major bleed happened while we were there. Dr. Barton had asked that if there is anything other than blood, that I try to save it and bring it in. I guess they can test it for causes, possibly preventing another miscarriage in the future. I couldn't do it though, and there wasn't much besides blood. I stood up, felt it, ran upstairs, and ten minutes later it was over, mostly. Chase checked on me, but I did it alone. Not that I had to do anything, other than wait.

August 29

The next morning, I went to work. I was able to get somethings done. Feeling surprisingly optimistic, hoping that my faith and hope would drive the outcome. I prayed so hard on the drive to IMC. I prayed as I walked across the parking lot, passing a pregnant woman on my way. I prayed in the elevator. I literally whispered "please...please...please..." as I walked towards the lab. I was cheerful when the technician stuck my left arm. On the elevator back down, a couple walked in behind me; the woman wearing sweats and carrying a vase of flowers. The man carrying an infant car seat, with an infant inside. I smiled, "That is a brand new baby, so sweet. Congratulations." And I went back to work.

About an hour later I got a call from my doctor, Dr. Jeffery Barton. What a blessed soul. He said the numbers didn't look good and asked if I could come in for an ultrasound that afternoon. My confidence, shaken, but not shattered, I called Chase, met him at home and we drove in silence, hand in hand, to IMC for the third time that week. Three days before we were celebrating. And now we couldn't speak.

We waited in the lobby. We got put in a room. Dr. Barton came in and reiterated, the numbers do not look good. He did an ultrasound. Then he transitioned into, I am so sorry... this was not caused by anything you did... it is relatively common...there is no heartbeat... wait for heavy bleeding...call us if you need help handling the emotions...you will be okay...try again in a few months...

I am pretty good at not crying in front of people. And I didn't cry. I also didn't say hardly anything, for fear that if I opened my mouth the flood gates would open. As we walked out of the office, through the lobby full of expecting women, couples, and newborn babies, I had to hold my breath and look straight at the door, Chase walking behind me. When we made it to the hallway, I took one breath, Chase took my hand, I buried my face in his chest and cried in the middle of a crowed hospital hallway.

August 28

I called my doctors office the next morning. I wanted to hear what someone with a medical degree had to say. And Lauren was right. He said my HCG level was low, and there was a chance of miscarriage, but if my HCG was still doubling every couple of days, there was nothing to worry about. He asked me to come in again, 48 hours after the first blood draw. Then we would know.

I texted Chase something like, "The show isn't over." I have never had such a hard time portraying my honest feelings. Probably because I wasn't feeling much at all. I got frustrated when I came home from work because Chase was smiling, and talking too positively. I think I said something like, I don't want to hear about your great day. I'm going through hell so keep it to yourself. I have never, ever felt disconnected from Chase. But for the first time, I felt that we weren't on the same page. We were in the same chapter of the book, but not quite as in sync as we have always been. That might have been the most painful part of the whole experience. It's not that he wasn't supportive, I just couldn't figure out what I needed from him. His positive outlook on life and trials is, I really believe, the strongest fiber of our marriage. But that day, I needed him to suffer with me.

That night we went to Chase's parents house to bottle peaches. I do remember not wanting to bring it up, but wanting to talk about it. About halfway through peeling, I started to tell Connie what had happened, and that I had jumped the gun withe a self diagnosed miscarriage. I had the tiniest glimmer of hope, but I wanted it to stay tiny. To keep the roller coaster to a minimum. 

Self Diagnosis

And then, I bled. Maybe TMI, but it was all I could think about that night. It was not two hours after we had told Megan and Jeff that I went to the bathroom and felt a pit in my stomach. I got up several times that night to check, but found nothing. The next morning I thought I was ok, until I found more, and this time it was worse--brighter, wetter, and just more. I called my doctor's office and spoke to a receptionist who told me to wait for a call from a nurse. And I waited. Literally. I got nothing done at work as I starred at my computer screen. When she finally called she asked a bunch of questions and said I should have blood work done "in case you're are having a miscarriage."

I immediately went to IMC, got my blood drawn, and left. A couple hours went by, and no call back. I called and was told the results weren't in yet. I called again two hours later, about 4:30, to catch them before they closed clinic. I learned they close at 4. I frantically, and a little pissed, called the front desk of the hospital and asked for the lab. The lab transfered me to client services. Client services said, "I can read you the numbers, but I cannot interpret them." That's fine. I had done my research. I knew, KNEW, because somewhere out on the web I found, via google, that my hcg levels at 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant should be between 2000 and 5000. "Your quantitative level is 80." Translation--I am having a miscarriage. 

Sharing the News

I had envisioned this moment for a long time. I thought maybe I would plan something thoughtful to tell Chase he was going to be a dad. I thought I would wait a while to tell anyone, even family. But little did I know! It's hard to think about anything else really, once you know. I told Chase immediately (see previous entry). I told my doctor and my insurance company the following day (after two tests, to be sure) so I could schedule appropriate appointments and ask some questions. And Friday, the secret became harder and harder to keep. I know, two whole days. We went up to Ogden for a BBQ with some friends, and went to a movie with Chase's parents after. Chase and Tony had a tee time the next morning so we stayed the night at their house. That night, sitting around chatting, they told us a funny story about a friend who sent a text to Connie to announce their baby baby's due date. So... for lack of patience, about ten minutes later, Chase sent a text to Tony that read "April 30, 2015." Tony didn't look at his phone for a while, but when he finally did, Chase and I were in the hallway. "Chase, what does April 30, 2015 mean?" Chase and I looked at each other not knowing what to say. Chase grabs a bag we brought and hands it to Connie as Tony says, "Are you expecting?!" At that Connie lost all control and shakes as she tries to open the bag. A long time ago I broke down and bought a swaddle blanket for a future babe, and we were going to give it to them as the announcement. Needless to say, that blanket will probably stay at their house for the next 8 ish months!

The next day, I got to pick Avery up from the Salt Lake Airport. She was in a hurry to get to Provo for practice, so I wanted to tell her on the drive to her car. We talked about her trip with the soccer team and she ended with, "I'm happy."
"Do you want to be even happier?" At that she put her hand on my shoulder and said , "No way."
"April 30th!" And she wrapped her arms around me and cried. I love having her as my sister. She just knows.

The next day we went up to Heber to watch Zach race his mountain bike. He had been sick the day before but still road really well! After the race, the Fowlers had to go so Chase and I walked to the car with them. "Lauren, don't let me forget to borrow your carseat tonight. I need to see if it fits in my car... "(She knew we were trying so she didn't really react)..."Because we are going to need one. In April."
"ARE YOU PREGNANT???" Followed by scream, hug for five minutes, and lots of tears. I hope I am a mama just like Lauren.

Unbeknownst to me, Chase had told Sean earlier that morning. "I HAD to tell someone!"

Later in the afternoon, Zach and Mom were done with his race stuff and we were by the car snacking. Mom opened a package of peanut M&Ms and said, "Aren't these the best?" And I said, "That's about how big our baby is," rather casually. My mom turned to me and grabbed my arm and kind of stuttered, "Are...are you... are you pregnant?" Half way through her question I smiled, and she screamed, practically did the splits, threw her hands in the air, wrapped them around me, and did that side to side mom-hug thing that I love. And of course, a dance party in the parking lot followed. Zach pointed to Chase and said, "You're going to have a baby!" So matter of fact, and it sounds so good!

On Monday, I finally saw my dad who had been out of town. After Avery's soccer game Dad was about to leave and I walked with him as he put his arm over my shoulder and said, "Are you stressed?" "No.... I'm pregnant." With that he let out a "Ahhhhhhhhh!" and wrapped his other arm around my head and walked with me kind of in a head lock, for lack of a better description. "Wow, well is that a good thing ooooooor a bad thing?" "Dad! It's a good thing!" "Well congrats! It's number three! Like a hat-trick!" "Now Dad, it's a secret for a while, ok?" "Oh no way, I'm going to post it!" "DAD!"

Tuesday, we were headed to Whitney Green's birthday party, so we had Jeff and Megan over for dinner beforehand. While Chase was blessing the food, I nudged him and then nudged him again, and (understanding what I meant) he said, "And please bless the baby to grow healthy and strong." I peeked my eyes open and Megan was staring right at me smiling. AMEN!!!

Positively

Today. Today I woke up, more promptly than my normal snooze-on-repeat routine. I went to the kitchen, grabbed a styrofoam cup leftover from serving hot chocolate at Chase's 24th birthday, headed to the bathroom, opened a cardboard box from the local Family Dollar, like I had for the three mornings prior, and took the test. A glance at the clock and two minutes worth of teeth brushing. Then, I looked at the cheap pregnancy test, not expecting anything different from the previous few days.

See, Chase and I have been talking about you, my baby, since before we got married (admittedly, before his mission). And since we got married, we have had the "when to start trying" talk several times. We always wanted to have kiddos, and we wanted to be young parents too. A few times, we set a date a few months out for our "let's start trying then" plans. That date would come and go and we didn't pull the goalie. And then we had the discussion again in June. And it was different. July came, and the goalie got benched. Little miss red showed her face, not surprisingly, at the end of the month. We weren't sad quite yet, just trying to be patient. Then in August, I got my hopes up. We did everything right (I think!). And about a week ago I started having pinching pains in my lower abs. Not cramps, but similar. I said to Chase, I really think it's going to happen this time. This feels like I think it should (as if I knew what I was talking about). 

So today, the day before miss red should arrive, on the fourth pregnancy test in one week, I took one glance and nearly tossed it in the trash. And then I did a double take. I knew that faint positives were just that--extremely faint. But THERE WAS A LINE! "Chase! Come look at this!" His tired eyes, blinded by the bathroom lights, squinted. "I don't know what I am looking for." "Do you see a second line?!" We stared and stared. And over the next 90 seconds, a shadow turned into a pink line. I even pulled out a test from the day before (don't judge) to compare. Yep. The first one was totally blank, and the second one had a definite if faint line. I showed Chase the comparison. "Holy cow! There really is a line!" And we both smiled. We did it. 

Relieved, excited, anxious, impatient, and grateful. So unbelievably grateful that we were able to get pregnant so quickly. It was a serious concern of mine, infertility. I broke down in tears as I did my makeup by myself a while later and said a prayer for every couple who has to work so much harder than we had to. 

I am so happy. Completely overcome with joy. 

We will become a family of three on April 30, 2015.

I am 4 weeks along.

Baby Reynolds is the size of a poppyseed ❤️