Meeting Kate

Everyday the whole reality of the situation sets in more and more. I feel so unprepared for motherhood. Pregnancy has been a breeze really, and I am actually looking forward to labor and delivery; what an unparalleled human experience! I am excited to see her and love her and share her with Chase. But there are some parts that I just feel unsure about. I think getting the house done will help me feel better, and getting showers and pictures and things planned. And things like insurance need to be arranged, and finding a pediatrician, etc. But then there is the part when all of that is done, when Chase and I take Kate home and we are just a little family. I want to do everything "right" so that I don't make the big mistakes, or too many little ones. I want my baby to love me and love others and be kind and grateful and to be an adventurous little soul. I hope Kate loves her grandparents, and gets the opportunity to know her great grandparents. I hope she adores her cousins and aunts and uncles. I hope she loves to read or sing or run or get dirty or hike or clean or garden or collect rocks or cook or travel or alphabetize or anything else she tries. I guess I really don't care what she loves, as long as she gets the chance to do it, see it, feel it. I hope she has good health, and if not, I hope she does the best with the little body she is given. I hope she is just like her dad, and if not I hope she loves whoever she is. I hope she finds amazing people in life to be mentored by, and if not, I hope she can perceive good from bad, right from wrong. I hope every person that is a part of her life will be willing to love and accept her and help her and be a part of her positive life experiences. And if not, I hope she can be the positive influence in others lives. I hope she loves life, and learning and being. I hope she wants to do some things that I can teach her, but I hope she loves her own individuality more and can teach me who she is. I am feeling more and more that having a baby, a daughter, is not about molding or creating or teaching. It is about discovering along side Kate who she is, what she is made to be and do. I am sure I will learn from her more than she will learn from me. I used to think that when people said they are excited to "meet" a baby, that it was a poor way to say they are excited to see or hold or love a baby. But I get it now. There really is a life blooming in the tiny little body of my baby. I want to learn her personality and her likes and her dislikes and her communication style and her body language and I want to see her develop. I love this baby girl so much already, but I can't yet feel the painful kind of love I know is coming. I can't wait for the mother's love to hit me square in the chest when I meet Kate Reynolds for the first time, and for everyday thereafter.