September

I kept bleeding. I kept track of it in my pregnancy app in my phone. The same app that kept track of my periods before I was pregnant, the same app that wouldn't stop sending me updates about my pregnancy. After I found out I was pregnant, I signed up for some weekly emails. They kept coming. "Your baby is the size of a pea!" "You are 8 weeks today!" I unsubscribed.

I bled for two more weeks. On September 10, it stopped. And That Sunday, only 4 days later, I started a normal period. I was relieved. I though it might take longer for things to go back to normal. I started doing the math in my head--I could be pregnant in two weeks! End of June baby. But the doctor did say wait at least one cycle. I started to look forward again.

The following week, Chase and I went to the Bountiful temple with one of my dearest friends, Emily, and her husband, Alex. I really enjoyed it. I wasn't full of sadness and heart ache. I was full of hope and happiness. In the Celestial room, Chase and I were talking. This is one of the most precious moments of my life. He said, our baby was too good to be here. We will raise her in a better place.

I didn't know what to say. I had looked on LDS.org and read some talks about miscarriage, still births, and infant death. Of course, some things are left for personal revelation. This was the first time in my life when I thought, I need to dig deep and search for a personal answer. I need to take this opportunity to grow my testimony and my relationship with God. Do I really believe that I will raise the baby we never met in another life? One of the greatest tender mercies I had experienced up to this point was the ease with which Chase and I had agreed upon a name if she was a girl, and the strength with which we felt we were having a girl. And that thought was echoed, without our prompting, by our families. She was really real to us.

Chase then continued, Well I think we are parents. He is so sure, so steady, and so strong in his faith. While this experience has been hard, I shutter to think of going through this alone, or with anyone other than Chase.

After the temple, and after dinner, in mid conversation about something else, my friend, who is a nurse, said, "Miscarriages are more common with a first pregnancy." She didn't know it then, but that was a good thing for me to hear. It made me feel good. I had planned to tell her that I was pregnant that night, it had been scheduled weeks in advance, but I didn't get to. And I didn't have it in me to tell her about the miscarriage just yet.

The following week, I was still bleeding. TMI (as if we aren't far enough past that)--I ususally bleed for three days, and it's very light. At this point, the "normal period" I had started had lasted 11 days and showed no sign of letting up. So I call my doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for the following Wednesday. A total of 18 days of normal bleeding, in addition to the nearly three weeks of miscarrying.