5 Weeks and 3 Days---7 weeks and 1 day

Friday Sept. 11th, I went to see Dr. Barton for my first prenatal visit. We talked briefly for a few minutes before he did an ultrasound. There was not a lot to see, but it was still really neat. I could see the little black dot that is the gestational sac with a small gray line on the top side of the sac that is the yolk sac. The primary purpose of having an ultrasound this early is to make sure that the embryo implants in the uterus, and not anywhere else. So, we got all the good news we needed.

We have known about our tiny bean for a whole week. It's been fun to keep it our little secret, even if it is was only a week.

That night we went to a University of Utah football game with Lauren and Sean. We were not planning on telling anyone for at least another week., but it just came out! When the boys went to get drinks, Lauren said, "Did I tell you that the doctor said Reagan can have milk?" I said, "No. Did I tell you I am pregnant?" Needless to say, she was surprised because I had told her I was getting an IUD two weeks earlier. She was really excited, and then we told Sean, and he was excited too.

On Sunday, we were at my mom's house. I told Hudson I had a baby in my tummy, which he understands to a certain degree because he knows Reagan is a baby and he knows Whitney's belly was big because she had a baby in her belly. When I told Hudson, he said, "Where?" Then I bribed him to tell Grandma if I promised to by him a toy car. Here's the video....

That night, we went to Chase's family party at his parents house for Jeff's birthday. We picked up a card on the way over and taped the ultrasound on the back, and wrote a note inside. Here's the video...

On Tuesday I was 6 weeks. Here is a picture...


On Thursday, I went to Avery's soccer game. I love going to these games! Such a fun part of fall. After the win, I had Hudson tell Avery too. Her reaction was pretty good! Here is the video...

On Saturday, I helped mom with a yard sale, then went to Zach's crit in downtown Ogden. It is a square block lap race on the roads. SO COOL! It was really fun to be able to watch the whole thing. And he won! And in all the excitement I forgot to tell him the news.

That night we helped with the ward party and raced down to Market Street Grill in Cottonwood heights for an early birthday dinner for Avery. Hudson wasn't there so I just texted Zach from the other side of the table "I'm pregnant." He was really cute and excited.

On Sunday, we went to Grandma and Grandpa Thomas's house after dinner. Chase said, "Hey I have a story." And with everyone's attention said, "Chloe's pregnant!" It was fun to tell more family. I will tell my family as soon as I see them.

And just like that, I am seven weeks and one day today! I had my second ultra sound. Chase has a hard time making it all the way from Ogden from school to IMC in Murray, so my mom came with me. We got to see the heart beat! It was a good, fast beat of _____. Here are some pictures and a video. I think it looks like a gummy bear!

Round 2

November 2014 - I went to Dr. Barton's office for my last of several post-op appointments. I was feeling completely back to normal, physically and emotionally. I remember the last questions I asked him was, "When can we try again?" He paused, looked at his lap for a second and then looked back at me. "If you were 32, I would say, let's try again in 3 months. But look (pointing to my birthday on my chart). You are 23. Take time to let this sink in. Give it closer to 6 months, if you can." I took his advice to heart, but felt good about trying in 3-6 months. I joke that I am a "fast healer." My red blood cell count had risen to mid 40's in a matter of weeks, and I had done an interval workout on the track two weeks after surgery. So, I was young, healthy, and I could try again as soon as I wanted.

January 2015 - I have no idea what happened, but when I was approaching 3 months post-op, I had a melt down. The thought of trying again made me kind of sick to my stomach. I had never felt so much legitimate fear in my life. Growing up, when people would ask me what I was a afraid of, I would say, "Nothing." Now that I have grown up (a little) I do have some real fears (losing Chase, for example) but I have never been afraid to do something, try something, choose to make a leap or get something done. It felt new. And I hated the feeling. Lauren suggested months later that I might have experienced some postpartum depression as my hormones figured things out. Needless to say, we did not start trying again at three months. Or at 6. In fact, I decided to start taking Accutane in January, a drug that is at the top of the "Do not take while pregnant" list. I have had minor acne since high school, but this experience made it SO much worse and painful, and tons of my hair had fallen out too. So much that I chopped it off into a bob (an accidental confidence booster/change of pace I had no idea would help so much). So I pulled the trigger and started the acne drug. It felt amazing to think, I don't even have the option to think about getting pregnant for 6 more months. Such a relief. 

June 2015 - I finished my cycle of Accutane. Previous to finishing I had wondered when we would try again, but I still didn't want to. Over the last few months, my fears had gone from "What if I have another ectopic?" to worrying about experiencing postpartum depression, being a bad mom, not being able to get pregnant, regretting having kids too soon, having disabled kids, having kids change our marriage, etc. A few really honest conversations with Chase, Lauren, and my mom helped me work through some of those fears. Lauren told me that I would be better prepared for the good and the bad because I have scrutinized the choice to have kids so much. Hopefully that is the case. 

July 2015 - The switch flipped back in the other direction. I started doing the math...how soon can we safely try again after I finished the acne medication? Do we want to have a baby in the spring? Chase was so normal during all of this, as I continued to be a spaz. I would explain how I was feeling, then he would tell me why he agreed or disagreed and why it was ok for me to feel that way. I literally made a list of pros and cons to having a baby in 2016 (for some people, praying is all it takes. For me, I have to analyze it to death, then see how I feel). And then I stopped taking birth control. 

Middle of July 2015 - I panicked. I told Chase, "Honestly I hope we don't get pregnant this month because I think I want to go back on the pill." August 4th I got my dot, as Chase calls it, or shark week, depending on the situation. I went back on the pill. I started considering all the reasons I needed to wait a few more months. Not a few more years, just a few more months. I wanted to finish the house, go on a tropical vacation without a belly in tow, save some more money, etc. And I really, really love my job. I wanted to develop my career a bit more. 

August 2015 - The third week in August, Chase and I went down to Arizona to help Lauren and Sean move to Utah (AMEN!). I was putting Hudson to bed on August 21st (17 days after my dot). He likes to read a book, look at pictures, sing a song, say a prayer, then snuggle and go to sleep. After we read two books, we looked through Chase's Instagram feed for our fill of pictures. When I got to a picture of Hudson two years ago as a baby, Hudson said, "Is that your baby?" "No, silly that is you!" "You growing a baby?" "No I am not." "Why you not growing a baby?" "I don't know." "You need a baby." As he causally scrolled to the next picture. I told Lauren, Sean and Chase about this little conversation and laughed. On that trip, I lost my birth control pill pack, missed two days, and got a new pack at home to use for the last half of the month, and took two pills. That very weekend, Chase decided to quit his job and go back to school full time to prepare to apply for medical school. Three years of pre-requisites. I told Chase, "I think we should wait to have kids until you are accepted into a program." On Sunday August 30th, I told my mom and Lauren, "I am going to get an IUD." I tried three times that week to make an appointment to get an IUD, and somehow, I could not get a hold of the right nurse, scheduling was at lunch, they aren't in on Mondays, etc. Did I mention that I went to a baby shower on August 27th, where I saw my OBGYN and he asked me if we had been trying since my surgery. I said "No." And that was that.

September 2015 - September 3rd, Chase and I were laying on the grass in our back yard playing with Alfie abut 10 pm. I said "You know what week it is?" "No." "Shark week." "Really?" "Well it should be, and it's not." I always start my dot on a Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. It was Thursday night. But I had missed a pill on Saturday and taken two on Sunday to finish my pack, so that must be why. I went to the dollar store on my way to work the next morning and picked up two tests. I thought, I will be able to relax if I get it out of the way. So, I took a test AT WORK (NEVER DO THIS. NEVER.). First of all, it feels even weirder peeing in a cup at work. Then what the hell do you do with the cup and dropper thing? And what do you do when the second line appears that says, "You bet your bottom dollar sister, you're growing a human." The first word, and only word out of my mouth was "shit!" in a whisper/yell.

Knowing that all morning did not help me focus at all. I had the shakes and could barely get anything done. I wanted to talk to Chase so bad. But I also considered not telling him until I knew everything was ok. That could never happen because I am incapable of keeping secrets from him. But, as I thought about telling anyone, the feelings of one year ago (almost to the day) came at the same time. So I opted to go get a blood test. Right then I headed to IMC to get my blood drawn. Every hour for three hours I called to get the result. On the third call, the lab assistant said, "I cannot interpret these results, but I can give you the number." I know, I know, I know. "Your HCG is 1849." I did not need an interpretation to know that last time I was almost 5 weeks pregnant, my HCG was 80. This was a definite sign of improvement over last year. I was surprised at how happy I was. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. In fact I had made a concerted effort to not get pregnant. But there I was, happy. 

That night, we went to Avery's soccer game against U of U. What a fun game. I look forward to it every fall. And they won! As we all walked to our cars, my dad asked me, "Are you pregnant?" "No, dad of course not." "Oh, you are just wearing a baggy shirt." How did he know!? After, Chase and I drove up to his family's cabin in Heber City for a little Labor Day weekend fun. The last time we were at the cabin, I had left in a mini van on my way to the emergency room and ended up in surgery that night with my first pregnancy. When we got there, Chase and I took Alfie on a walk and I gave Chase a present for completing his first week of pre-medical requirements. The first was a book that was all about the application to med school process. The second was "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss. I had ordered both books earlier in the week, not thinking I would use it to tell Chase this news. I had written Chase a congrats note in the front of the Dr. Seuss book, signed Chloe, Alfie and Baby Reynolds. He read the note, standing in the dark at 11 pm in the woods. His face was so precious. His eyes welled with tears. It was a moment I won't forget. It was different than last year, better. It felt more real. He seemed so excited! Maybe it was because this time it was a surprise. Whatever it was, it was perfect. 

Two days later on Sunday, Chase made me the best scrambled eggs, and we went to IMC together to get my blood drawn a second time. Pregnant blood is supposed to double in HCG hormone every 48 hours. Last year, mine had gone down 1 point in two days. After the blood draw, which Chase scrutinized due to his phlebotomy training, we got lunch at the hospital. I called every hour on the hour. The first time I called, the tech said something about 1420... referring to the military time of day. I about died before she clarified that was not my result. The third time I called, "3764" the tech said through the phone that was on speaker so Chase could hear. That is slightly more than double. Which means it is more than likely not ectopic. Which is a relief, considering the risk for ectopic goes from 1% to 15-20% since I have already had one. Again, it felt better than last time. It also feels different. Last time, I felt so intensely that it was a girl. This time, I am not so sure. Although, I will be surprised if it is a boy. 

Now, we are looking forward to a doctor appointment, ultrasound, and getting out of the first trimester. I am 5 weeks today (9/8/15), and I am feeling so ready, so excited. With the number of times I have changed my mind this year about how I feel, it is so good to feel ready. I feel really blessed too. I do think things happen for a reason, but I am not generally a person that thinks things fall from heaven. I believe we make choices and generally, things happen because of those choices. But I cannot help but be grateful for how things have happened. As crazy as it seems, it seems like Chase making the decision about what he wants to do with his career was a trigger. Making that decision after kids would have been much harder. Lauren moving home is even a huge thing for me. I wouldn't want to do this without her close. Even Hudson asking me within days of when I conceived, if I was growing a baby. To me that is unreal, too much. The timing at work is impeccable. I am due May 10th, right after the tax deadline (accountants will understand why that is a legitimate concern!). We will have been married for almost five years, which isn't everything, but I am glad we had as much times as we did with just the two of us. We are in the perfect position to have a lot of these big life changes happening at once. It's so good to feel so happy, since I have been so cynical about the whole thing for a while, mostly out of fear and lack of assurance. I also can't help but think this pregnancy will be ok, that we will make it to the end. I should be one of those people that is very apprehensive and nervous. But too many things have worked out too perfectly, too many to be coincidences. I have to believe that it will be ok this time. And I told Chase, it's just like anything--I can choose to be happy with the possibility of being disappointed, or I can be nervous with the chance of being happy. I choose happy now.