August 28

I called my doctors office the next morning. I wanted to hear what someone with a medical degree had to say. And Lauren was right. He said my HCG level was low, and there was a chance of miscarriage, but if my HCG was still doubling every couple of days, there was nothing to worry about. He asked me to come in again, 48 hours after the first blood draw. Then we would know.

I texted Chase something like, "The show isn't over." I have never had such a hard time portraying my honest feelings. Probably because I wasn't feeling much at all. I got frustrated when I came home from work because Chase was smiling, and talking too positively. I think I said something like, I don't want to hear about your great day. I'm going through hell so keep it to yourself. I have never, ever felt disconnected from Chase. But for the first time, I felt that we weren't on the same page. We were in the same chapter of the book, but not quite as in sync as we have always been. That might have been the most painful part of the whole experience. It's not that he wasn't supportive, I just couldn't figure out what I needed from him. His positive outlook on life and trials is, I really believe, the strongest fiber of our marriage. But that day, I needed him to suffer with me.

That night we went to Chase's parents house to bottle peaches. I do remember not wanting to bring it up, but wanting to talk about it. About halfway through peeling, I started to tell Connie what had happened, and that I had jumped the gun withe a self diagnosed miscarriage. I had the tiniest glimmer of hope, but I wanted it to stay tiny. To keep the roller coaster to a minimum.