Happy New Year!

2015 Has been a really big year for Chase and I. Although we moved into our house in December of 2014, we have been working on our house this whole year. It has taken 99% of our disposable income, free time and effort. I am so, so happy with how it has turned out. I am so looking forward to having it done! Especially right before we bring Kate home. I think we will have everything but the carpet and kitchen backsplash done by the end of January. And by the middle of February, when I start the third trimester, it will all be done!

This year we also got our puppy! We started thinking about a puppy in April. Alfie was born March 25, 2015 and we brought him home on May 9th. It was a sweet way to remember our miscarriage due date, April 30th. He has been the sweetest puppy. I adore him. I love that he is part of our family. He is not perfectly trained, but he is very well behaved, does not chew on things he shouldn't (99% of the time), is perfectly potty trained, and is a snuggler.

And of course, Chase quit his job and decided to go back to school to prepare for medical school. That was a big shift for us, but it is going really well. He did great his first semester back, and is still really excited about his plans. I am really proud of him for making that jump. It will good for our family in the long run. And in the mean time, I am still very happy with how things are going! I am sure loving him being home during the break. I love coming home to him being there (and my handy man gets so much done while I am at work!). So I am not looking forward to the late nights during the coming semester.

And finally, five days after Chase started school, we found out we were expecting a baby! The last four months have been nothing but fun. I am so grateful that pregnancy has been smooth for me, and more so that Kate is healthy. The timing really is perfect and I am so excited to see her sweet face and share her with Chase. I am hoping that 2016 will be the first Mother's day that I spend as a mom, if Kate comes a few days early. What a fantastic year 2015 has been, but I am sure 2016 will top it!

21 Weeks

This week we enjoyed a little time off for Christmas. We spent Christmas Eve skiing at Snowbasin and it was the best the snow has been this early in the year for a long time! I loved it. And I did not feel inhibited by my baby bump at all. I was cautious, but I was able to ski as aggressively as I usually do. That night was went to Grandma Nolene's for dinner and gifts. She gave us a card table and chairs that I am so glad to have, but never would have bought for myself. We also visited with Grandma and Grandpa Thomas and they gave us a lifetime table, so we are all set in the table department. That night we stayed at home and headed to Connie and Tony's in the morning. We had breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls, SO good! This year we mostly got clothes, and we got them a pack n' play for Kate so that was exciting. Then we went to my mom's house for second Christmas morning in the afternoon. She gave us some money and some clothes, all good things. We got her an Apple TV for the basement #Netflicks. Grandma Jan and Grandpa took turns visiting. Of course, Bean family drama made it's way into the picture unfortunately (the Bean family party on the 23rd was kind of a drag). We are just glad to have our grandparents still around. Then we went to the Calton Christmas dinner. It's always good, but for some reason this year, including Thanksgiving, gravy was left off the menu. Sad day. Then we headed to my mom's to see Fowlers for a minute, back to Reynolds to see Clark and Hailey, then back to my mom's to sleep. Then next morning, Hudson got his big dump truck. Too cute. 

This year Chase talked a lot about how Christmas is his favorite time of year. I love it too, but I think I can get complacent sometimes that we have to run around so much. But this year, I enjoyed it more and complained less, for Chase, but it really helped everything go more smoothly. This year I finally printed Chase's mission book and it turned out great. He got me a shirt I wanted that says "baby mama" on it. It's cute! 

It's been so incredibly enjoyable to have Chase around these last couple of weeks. I am kind of dreading him going back to school and coming to home to an empty house again. And he has been amazing with getting the house closer and closer to finished. He is about 80% done with the floors and they look amazing. This week, we get our final bathroom counter and appliances!

On the baby front, I have now gained about ten pounds. So much for not gaining any weight in the beginning! I feel Kate move less frequently, but it is more obvious when I do. I think she might have more regular sleep cycles now. I still feel pretty good, very few symptoms. And I now show 100% of the time, but my size varies quite a bit from day to day. I am really excited to get past the 24 week mark, when fewer things can go really wrong. 

Oh! And Avery got engaged on the 19th! Jackson Walker is his name. We keep walking around saying, "Misses Walker, we need your help here!" from Miracle on 34th Street. He is a good guy, decathalete at BYU, from Idaho Falls, and he makes Ave happy. 

20 Weeks!

Today marks 20 weeks and half way through this pregnancy! In the last week or so my low back and hips have been really sore. I might have even had a couple braxton hicks contractions (I'm not sure, but maybe). Everyone says that the second trimester is the best, but my first trimester was so easy that I am now feeling the effects of pregnancy more. Mostly, I am showing more and my clothes don't fit quick right. I have now gained about 8 pounds (153 pounds). Some aches and pains, but I can't complain! I am enjoying it. 

Chase has been able to feel Kate move on two difference occasions now. I feel her almost constantly. The last couple of days the movement has slowed a little bit, but I still feel her several times per day, mostly strongly in the morning. 

Our big 20 week ultrasound is tomorrow and I am really excited! It will be good to get a confirmation of the gender, good health and due date. Up to this point, I have been measuring early. At the 12 week appointment I was 5 days early, and I forget to ask at the 16 week. With any luck, we will be looking at something closer to May 1st so Chase can spend the whole first week at home with us.  

Update on the house; we got kitchen counters yesterday! And we are getting our upstairs bathroom counters today. Chase is hooking up plumbing to the kitchen sink as we speak, and getting started on the wood floors later today. Chase finished finals last week and he has four whole weeks off! I am beyond excited. I get to see him more, and sooooo much will get done on the house. 

Speaking of Chase's school...wow. I cannot express how proud I am of him! He committed 100% to getting good grades and he did it. He had his hardest schedule, and his best GPA ever. He also managed to get certified in phlebotomy, work at Sonora Grill one shift per week, and volunteer at the hospital on Saturday mornings. His resume is going to be outstanding as he applies to med school in 18 months. 

19 Weeks - First kicks for dad!

I have been feeling flutter movements since 17 weeks, but not really any abrupt kicks. On Sunday morning, Chase and I were laying in bed and I could feel very distinct kick movements. I put Chases's hand on my belly and waited. "Did you feel that?" "No." "How about that?" "Nothing." Then suddenly he had the biggest smile on his face! He felt 3-4 good kicks. It was so fun! That was 18 weeks and 5 days.

I hadn't gained any weight up through about 15+ weeks. But I am 19 weeks tomorrow and I have gained 6-7 pounds and my appetite is through the roof! Annnnnd none of my pants fit. Kind of inconvenient, but of course worth it!.

18 weeks

This last week I felt Kate move twice (I think)! It feels just like everyone describes it; like a flutter of butterfly wings. It is very subtle but so fun! My stomach has also really popped out more this week. And I have finally starting gaining weight! I didn't gain any weight before 15 weeks, but I am about 18 weeks now and I have put on about 4 pounds. Hoping for about a pound per week. I also had heartburn twice his week. It's not bad unless I over eat! Now that Kate can hear, I am listening to Disney/Broadway music on pandora at home and singing at the top of my lungs! I also listen to Josh Groban type Christmas music at work. I also started our registry at Target and Amazon. It's a blast getting ready!

Chase and I went to a "first time parent class" at IMC this week and it was fun! Six couple all expecting came to hear about hospital procedures. Susan, the RN that taught the class,talked about developement, nutrition, and pregnancy a bit. She also showed a part of The Miracle of Life. But my favorite part was  at the end when we went on a short tour of the labor and delivery and maternity wards. So good to see! I now feel much more prepared for being at the hospital!   When we arrive, we check in, pre registered of course! And go to triage for about an hour and make sure it is time to be admitted. My goal is to get to the hospital when I am pretty well progressed! I don't want to be sent home home. Then there are delivery rooms that have showers, tubs, and jetted tubs. I really want a jetted tub for labor (not delivery)! Then they showed us the delivery beds- so cool! I am so happy about the options I will have to labor and deliver with. They have birth balls, squat bars, etc. IMC also has a sacred hour policy- they try to get the baby immediately on mom's chest and do not move the baby for at least an hour. I am SO happy about that! I still need to find out what Chase's options to help deliver and cut the cord are, and ask about delayed cord cutting. The maternity ward is pretty straight forward. They encourage breastfeeding and rooming in, which I am so happy about! They have lactation consultants on staff and breastfeeding classes every morning! To say the least, I feel like my ideal labor, delivery and birth will be supported by the hospital where we have chosen to deliver. Now I need to talk details with my doctor! 

This weekend, Connie, Megan and I did our annual overnight-er in Salt Lake. So fun! We shopped a bit and stayed up until 4 am talking. We talked a lot about birthing and what I want and how it was for Connie. I really like hearing other people's stories and experiences. It makes me feel like I am preparing well and I have a good chance to have the birth I want. I am actually looking forward to the whole thing!! However, regardless of how the process pans out, the end goal is a healthy baby and healthy mom. So I am prepared to do whatever I need to in order to get to that goal! 

16 Weeks

Today I am 16 weeks! We get to find out the gender today and I am so excited! Chase and I are going today at 4:45. We are going to have a little party at my mom's house tonight to tell family and friends what we are having. I can't even guess! If I really had to guess, I think I would say girl, but it could be either (obviously 50/50). I thought from the beginning it was a girl, for no reason really. But the last two weeks I have been thinking it could be a boy. I would love to have a mini Chase, of course! Chase and I really love the name Kate for a girl. I would say we are 99% decided on that. I can't think of something that would make us change our minds. We actually decided on Kate for a girl when I had my miscarriage last year, and we still love it. No middle name for a girl. I didn't have a middle name growing up, and I didn't mind it at all. I actually thought it was cool. And I love that I have Calton as my middle name now. For a boy, we are having a harder time on a name. I really love Adam or James, after my Grandpa James Merrill Bean. We talked about Corbin, but I don't love that one anymore. And middle names are hard too. We will probably use a family name. Anyway, it will be so good to know if we are having a boy or a girl so that we can decide!

My bump has started to be more consistent too, rather than depending on what I eat. Now it is always there! I have noticed when I bend over or lay on my stomach that it gets in the way. And my boobs are enormous. I am getting my energy back too! I actually have motivation to get things done when I get home from work each day. I also had some cravings! I went through a Taco Bell crunch wrap supreme phase (three trips in 24 hours). And I am loving juice! All kinds, but mostly orange, cranberry, grape and grapefruit.

I also started researching birthing options. I read "Ina May's guide to Birthing" and I really liked it. It talks about the benefits of non-medicated and no intervention births. My favorite part was how she talked about movement in labor and delivery. My biggest reason for not wanted an epidural is so I can move around a lot and help my body do its job. I also really loved the emphasis on how normal it is to give birth, and how the uterus will usually do most of the work it you let it! Rather than fight contractions and weaken the urge to push, just go with it. And, give your body time to do the work. Don't be in a hurry.

After that book I started "Birthing From Within." Kelli Green, a friend in my ward, gave it to me. She had her second baby natural and said the book helped. I am only 50 pages in and I really like what it talks about. It emphasizes how important it is to have support and people around you that are on the same page, and how giving birth connects you to all mankind and other mothers. It also talks about imagery and visualizing. If I were it visualize labor, it would be peaceful and slow at home, but then when we go to the hospital, my imagery gets very foggy and scary. I have been very concerned about how hospital staff will respond to my birth plan, so I think that is why. The book also says I should come up with my question about birth. My question is, will I feel supported? Because if I don't, I know I will be frustrated and sad. So I have talked to Chase about all of this and I think the process of preparing will be more than adequate to subdue my fears.

Then! I went to the labor and delivery page on the IMC website and wow! There is so much information. It made me feel so much better. IMC supports the "sacred hour" after the baby is born. Staff tries to give the mother time to hold the baby skin to skin for that long, without interruption. I love this!! I would be so sad if a nurse took the baby right when it was born, unnecessarily. IMC also supports rooming in rather than the nursery, and breastfeeding. All good things! But I think the most relieving thing I found was support for a birth plan (I have one already written). They have a questionnaire type plan that I can print and bring with me to labor and delivery. It has a list of approved visitors, how to handle pain medications, and labor preferences. Some of the things on the list are jetted tub (YAHOO!!), birth ball, squat bar, etc. Yes to all! I feel so much better after knowing these options are available. And after several conversations with my doctor and hospital staff, I think I should feel more and more ready.

Gender Reveal!

It's a GIRL! When Chase and I were talking the night before we found out, we were both 50/50. But the next day, I felt like it was a girl. When we were driving to the hospital for our appointment, Chase said, I want a girl. And during the ultrasound, we kept looking for anything that made us think it wasn't a girl, and we didn't see anything! Dr. Barton checked several times at various angles and didn't see anything (besides a couple of little lines that are her girl parts). He said he is 80-90% sure it is a girl. And we are SO happy! Here are some pictures and video...

I didn't get emotional when we found out because I wasn't surprised! Then in the car after I thought of sweet baby Reagan and got a little teary. I am so, so excited.

We have already chosen a name: Kate. No middle name. Just Kate. I love how it is sweet for a baby, a little girl, and sophisticated for an adult and grandma! And the full name, Kate Reynolds, sounds so good! I just love it. We have loved this name for a long time, so I am really grateful that we get to use it on our first baby.

On our drive up to Ogden to our gender reveal party, we talked about things we will get to do with a girl. Chase will get to learn how to do pig tails, and he will screen all of her dates. Kate and I will go back to school shopping and I will drive her to lessons. I am so glad Chase and I get to do this together.

When we got to the gender reveal party at my mom's house, it was hard not to tell family first! But when everyone got there, family and friends, we had each person pick a guess (pink or blue/green sticker), write a name suggestion on the sticker, and wear it around. If you guessed girl, you stood in front of the pink streamers and blew up a pink balloon. And blue for boy. The blue balloons didn't blow up, and the pink ones did! I am so glad we decided to do a little party, it was really fun! Here are some pictures...

I am so relieved to know the gender (and have a name picked out!). Now we will register, get the nursery ready, and wait! We have another appointment December 23rd at 20 weeks and 1 day. This is the big ultrasound where all the little details are checked, and gender can be re-confirmed by the more sophisticated ultrasound. Next up, though, is a First Time Parent class at IMC on December 3rd!

12.5 Weeks

We had another ultra sound at 12.5 weeks. Lauren came with Chase and I. It was AMAZING. The baby now looks like a baby! The arms and legs are long and we could see the individual finger bones by the baby's face. We saw the its face too! Towards the end, the baby started jumping off the wall of my uterus. So neat! Here is the video...

Since my VERY minor nausea ended around 8 weeks, I  have only noticed being really really tired. When come home from work all I want to do is sleep! And when I am working on the, I get winded and tired really fast. But I cannot complain, pregnancy seems to be relatively easy for me!

11 Weeks

Today I am eleven weeks along. I told my boss about the baby and it could not have gone better. I had a nightmare last night that it went horribly, but it was very smooth. Tom is a great boss. He makes sure I know how much he values me as an employee. He perfectly balanced his congratulations with sadness, because I won't be coming back full time. He made it very clear that there is nothing more important in life than parenthood. It has been his greatest joy. He was very understanding of whatever I decide to do from here on out. I am relieved to have had that conversation.

I also told Sarah. It was hilarious. She did not catch on at all so when I finally told her "I am pregnant" she calmly said, "Oh you are." And then did a double take, and was excited. It was too funny. I also told a couple of my friends that are also expecting. It's really fun to tell people in person, I think. So we are making sure we tell all of our close friends and family before any online announcement. My next ultrasound is next week and I am SO excited!!

Ten weeks

I already feel like I am swollen in my mid section, but I have only gained a pound. I started out at 145 pounds, and I am hovering around 146 lately. I am pretty sure it is mostly in my boobs. Super swollen! I am trying to keep first trimester weight gain to a minimum because I really would have liked to get pregnant at 138 pounds. While weight gain is far from the most important thing, I want to keep it healthy. Hopefully I will top out at 170.

Chase and I have talked about names lately too. We have loved the name Kate for a girl for about a year. I am 99% sure that is our girl name. Our boy name right now is Corbin. Chase has a good friend, Corbin Gale, who we love, and we love the name. I am not sold on that one yet, but we will find out the gender before we spend too much time on the name.

We are mostly focused on getting the house done. I am trying to manage cash flow while also moving the project forward and it's tough. Chase is busy in school but helps when he can. Connie has been a life saver. She comes over several days every week to offer her help and it has made a huge difference. When we were in St. George, Chase asked Connie if she would surprise me by finishing the paint on the basement fireplace. And she did so much more! Rich, Tiffany, Sarah, Hona, Henry, and Megan all came to help. They got the entire basement painted, touch ups and all. They installed the basement toilet, cleaned the basement windows and screens,  started the shower hardware, fixed a huge hole in the wall in the upstairs bathroom, sealed the basement tile and grout, mudded the upstairs office walls, moved a light switch and primed the hallway. Basically 40+ hours of labor while I spent time with Chase in St. George. I cried when I came home to the best surprise!

Speaking of St. George, the marathon went great! I mean, considering I was 8+ weeks pregnant, had hardly trained, and I have knee issues. Lauren and I ran the whole thing together and finished at 4:27. We had initially tried for 4:20 (10 minute mile pace) but miles 20-24 were REALLY hard so we fell off pace a bit. We felt great for the first ten, like we weren't even trying. Even the big hill at miles 7 was not a big deal. We stopped on the way up because we spotted open potties, then kept moving. The hill continues gradually for another 4 miles or so. That took it out of us a bit. At about half way we had our first little hiccup. Lauren stopped to stretch and get an icy hot rub for her hamstring. The next 7 miles went great, we just had to work a little harder than the first 10. We had only stopped at aid stations to drink water and then we would run again. Lots of water, gatorade, orange slices, and gu. At miles 16 Chase, Sean, Alfie and the kids came to cheer for us. At this point I handed off the banana I had been carrying for 16 miles in case of hunger. Seeing our people was definitely a highlight. Then at mile 20, I hit a little wall. My knees, ankles, hips and back started to hurt SO bad. It wasn't muscle pain, just joint pain. Luckily, no IT band pain (a miracle) and no cramping in the baby area. The next four miles felt like 20, but Lauren held back a little and stayed with me. At mile 24, the 4:30 pacer passed us. That was enough to kick us into high gear. We finished strong with sub 9 minute miles and it was fun! We finished without injury=success!

That night I was in a lot of pain, still just the joints. The next two days were more just muscle pain. And now I feel great!

At nine weeks and two days we got to another ultra sound. Perks of being a "high risk" prego. Dr. Barton has me coming in every two weeks up to this point. Chase got to come with me this time and I am so glad! It was so fun to be together and it became a little more real for both of us. Here are the pictures and video...


Can you even believe it! The baby already moves around! I was so excited to see that! What a neat experience. I don't think I ever appreciated how fast a tiny embryo turns into a functioning baby! I learned that at ten weeks, everything is in place and from this point forward the baby mostly just gets bigger. There is still lots of developing to do, but all of the organs are formed and present. I love looking up the different developmental stages every few days. I measured two days early at my last ultrasound and this time I measured three days early. This is good! My due date is Tuesday, May 10th. Chase finishes spring semester April 29th and starts summer semester May 9th. So we are hoping for May 1-4 so we Chase can have a week off to be with us! I think we have a decent chance because I was 8 pounds 3 ounces on my due date, and Chase was 8 pounds 6 ounces three weeks early. So if we have a big baby we have a better chance at going a week early.

We had the family pumpkin patch party a few days ago, always a good time! I saw Maggie who is 21 weeks along with a boy and it was fun to chat about things! She wants to name her boy John and call him Jack.

I told Emily about the baby last week and she was so excited! She asked to be an honorary aunt, and I think she'll make a good one. We also told the Lakeys because Loni saw the ultrasound on the fridge! They are excited for us too.

Today is Chase's birthday and I am ten weeks and one day. Chase is really sick and has a chemistry test, so we may celebrate tomorrow. But I just can't help but be grateful that, even when days are long and hard, we are really blessed with everything that is going on in our lives right now.

5 Weeks and 3 Days---7 weeks and 1 day

Friday Sept. 11th, I went to see Dr. Barton for my first prenatal visit. We talked briefly for a few minutes before he did an ultrasound. There was not a lot to see, but it was still really neat. I could see the little black dot that is the gestational sac with a small gray line on the top side of the sac that is the yolk sac. The primary purpose of having an ultrasound this early is to make sure that the embryo implants in the uterus, and not anywhere else. So, we got all the good news we needed.

We have known about our tiny bean for a whole week. It's been fun to keep it our little secret, even if it is was only a week.

That night we went to a University of Utah football game with Lauren and Sean. We were not planning on telling anyone for at least another week., but it just came out! When the boys went to get drinks, Lauren said, "Did I tell you that the doctor said Reagan can have milk?" I said, "No. Did I tell you I am pregnant?" Needless to say, she was surprised because I had told her I was getting an IUD two weeks earlier. She was really excited, and then we told Sean, and he was excited too.

On Sunday, we were at my mom's house. I told Hudson I had a baby in my tummy, which he understands to a certain degree because he knows Reagan is a baby and he knows Whitney's belly was big because she had a baby in her belly. When I told Hudson, he said, "Where?" Then I bribed him to tell Grandma if I promised to by him a toy car. Here's the video....

That night, we went to Chase's family party at his parents house for Jeff's birthday. We picked up a card on the way over and taped the ultrasound on the back, and wrote a note inside. Here's the video...

On Tuesday I was 6 weeks. Here is a picture...


On Thursday, I went to Avery's soccer game. I love going to these games! Such a fun part of fall. After the win, I had Hudson tell Avery too. Her reaction was pretty good! Here is the video...

On Saturday, I helped mom with a yard sale, then went to Zach's crit in downtown Ogden. It is a square block lap race on the roads. SO COOL! It was really fun to be able to watch the whole thing. And he won! And in all the excitement I forgot to tell him the news.

That night we helped with the ward party and raced down to Market Street Grill in Cottonwood heights for an early birthday dinner for Avery. Hudson wasn't there so I just texted Zach from the other side of the table "I'm pregnant." He was really cute and excited.

On Sunday, we went to Grandma and Grandpa Thomas's house after dinner. Chase said, "Hey I have a story." And with everyone's attention said, "Chloe's pregnant!" It was fun to tell more family. I will tell my family as soon as I see them.

And just like that, I am seven weeks and one day today! I had my second ultra sound. Chase has a hard time making it all the way from Ogden from school to IMC in Murray, so my mom came with me. We got to see the heart beat! It was a good, fast beat of _____. Here are some pictures and a video. I think it looks like a gummy bear!

Round 2

November 2014 - I went to Dr. Barton's office for my last of several post-op appointments. I was feeling completely back to normal, physically and emotionally. I remember the last questions I asked him was, "When can we try again?" He paused, looked at his lap for a second and then looked back at me. "If you were 32, I would say, let's try again in 3 months. But look (pointing to my birthday on my chart). You are 23. Take time to let this sink in. Give it closer to 6 months, if you can." I took his advice to heart, but felt good about trying in 3-6 months. I joke that I am a "fast healer." My red blood cell count had risen to mid 40's in a matter of weeks, and I had done an interval workout on the track two weeks after surgery. So, I was young, healthy, and I could try again as soon as I wanted.

January 2015 - I have no idea what happened, but when I was approaching 3 months post-op, I had a melt down. The thought of trying again made me kind of sick to my stomach. I had never felt so much legitimate fear in my life. Growing up, when people would ask me what I was a afraid of, I would say, "Nothing." Now that I have grown up (a little) I do have some real fears (losing Chase, for example) but I have never been afraid to do something, try something, choose to make a leap or get something done. It felt new. And I hated the feeling. Lauren suggested months later that I might have experienced some postpartum depression as my hormones figured things out. Needless to say, we did not start trying again at three months. Or at 6. In fact, I decided to start taking Accutane in January, a drug that is at the top of the "Do not take while pregnant" list. I have had minor acne since high school, but this experience made it SO much worse and painful, and tons of my hair had fallen out too. So much that I chopped it off into a bob (an accidental confidence booster/change of pace I had no idea would help so much). So I pulled the trigger and started the acne drug. It felt amazing to think, I don't even have the option to think about getting pregnant for 6 more months. Such a relief. 

June 2015 - I finished my cycle of Accutane. Previous to finishing I had wondered when we would try again, but I still didn't want to. Over the last few months, my fears had gone from "What if I have another ectopic?" to worrying about experiencing postpartum depression, being a bad mom, not being able to get pregnant, regretting having kids too soon, having disabled kids, having kids change our marriage, etc. A few really honest conversations with Chase, Lauren, and my mom helped me work through some of those fears. Lauren told me that I would be better prepared for the good and the bad because I have scrutinized the choice to have kids so much. Hopefully that is the case. 

July 2015 - The switch flipped back in the other direction. I started doing the math...how soon can we safely try again after I finished the acne medication? Do we want to have a baby in the spring? Chase was so normal during all of this, as I continued to be a spaz. I would explain how I was feeling, then he would tell me why he agreed or disagreed and why it was ok for me to feel that way. I literally made a list of pros and cons to having a baby in 2016 (for some people, praying is all it takes. For me, I have to analyze it to death, then see how I feel). And then I stopped taking birth control. 

Middle of July 2015 - I panicked. I told Chase, "Honestly I hope we don't get pregnant this month because I think I want to go back on the pill." August 4th I got my dot, as Chase calls it, or shark week, depending on the situation. I went back on the pill. I started considering all the reasons I needed to wait a few more months. Not a few more years, just a few more months. I wanted to finish the house, go on a tropical vacation without a belly in tow, save some more money, etc. And I really, really love my job. I wanted to develop my career a bit more. 

August 2015 - The third week in August, Chase and I went down to Arizona to help Lauren and Sean move to Utah (AMEN!). I was putting Hudson to bed on August 21st (17 days after my dot). He likes to read a book, look at pictures, sing a song, say a prayer, then snuggle and go to sleep. After we read two books, we looked through Chase's Instagram feed for our fill of pictures. When I got to a picture of Hudson two years ago as a baby, Hudson said, "Is that your baby?" "No, silly that is you!" "You growing a baby?" "No I am not." "Why you not growing a baby?" "I don't know." "You need a baby." As he causally scrolled to the next picture. I told Lauren, Sean and Chase about this little conversation and laughed. On that trip, I lost my birth control pill pack, missed two days, and got a new pack at home to use for the last half of the month, and took two pills. That very weekend, Chase decided to quit his job and go back to school full time to prepare to apply for medical school. Three years of pre-requisites. I told Chase, "I think we should wait to have kids until you are accepted into a program." On Sunday August 30th, I told my mom and Lauren, "I am going to get an IUD." I tried three times that week to make an appointment to get an IUD, and somehow, I could not get a hold of the right nurse, scheduling was at lunch, they aren't in on Mondays, etc. Did I mention that I went to a baby shower on August 27th, where I saw my OBGYN and he asked me if we had been trying since my surgery. I said "No." And that was that.

September 2015 - September 3rd, Chase and I were laying on the grass in our back yard playing with Alfie abut 10 pm. I said "You know what week it is?" "No." "Shark week." "Really?" "Well it should be, and it's not." I always start my dot on a Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. It was Thursday night. But I had missed a pill on Saturday and taken two on Sunday to finish my pack, so that must be why. I went to the dollar store on my way to work the next morning and picked up two tests. I thought, I will be able to relax if I get it out of the way. So, I took a test AT WORK (NEVER DO THIS. NEVER.). First of all, it feels even weirder peeing in a cup at work. Then what the hell do you do with the cup and dropper thing? And what do you do when the second line appears that says, "You bet your bottom dollar sister, you're growing a human." The first word, and only word out of my mouth was "shit!" in a whisper/yell.

Knowing that all morning did not help me focus at all. I had the shakes and could barely get anything done. I wanted to talk to Chase so bad. But I also considered not telling him until I knew everything was ok. That could never happen because I am incapable of keeping secrets from him. But, as I thought about telling anyone, the feelings of one year ago (almost to the day) came at the same time. So I opted to go get a blood test. Right then I headed to IMC to get my blood drawn. Every hour for three hours I called to get the result. On the third call, the lab assistant said, "I cannot interpret these results, but I can give you the number." I know, I know, I know. "Your HCG is 1849." I did not need an interpretation to know that last time I was almost 5 weeks pregnant, my HCG was 80. This was a definite sign of improvement over last year. I was surprised at how happy I was. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. In fact I had made a concerted effort to not get pregnant. But there I was, happy. 

That night, we went to Avery's soccer game against U of U. What a fun game. I look forward to it every fall. And they won! As we all walked to our cars, my dad asked me, "Are you pregnant?" "No, dad of course not." "Oh, you are just wearing a baggy shirt." How did he know!? After, Chase and I drove up to his family's cabin in Heber City for a little Labor Day weekend fun. The last time we were at the cabin, I had left in a mini van on my way to the emergency room and ended up in surgery that night with my first pregnancy. When we got there, Chase and I took Alfie on a walk and I gave Chase a present for completing his first week of pre-medical requirements. The first was a book that was all about the application to med school process. The second was "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss. I had ordered both books earlier in the week, not thinking I would use it to tell Chase this news. I had written Chase a congrats note in the front of the Dr. Seuss book, signed Chloe, Alfie and Baby Reynolds. He read the note, standing in the dark at 11 pm in the woods. His face was so precious. His eyes welled with tears. It was a moment I won't forget. It was different than last year, better. It felt more real. He seemed so excited! Maybe it was because this time it was a surprise. Whatever it was, it was perfect. 

Two days later on Sunday, Chase made me the best scrambled eggs, and we went to IMC together to get my blood drawn a second time. Pregnant blood is supposed to double in HCG hormone every 48 hours. Last year, mine had gone down 1 point in two days. After the blood draw, which Chase scrutinized due to his phlebotomy training, we got lunch at the hospital. I called every hour on the hour. The first time I called, the tech said something about 1420... referring to the military time of day. I about died before she clarified that was not my result. The third time I called, "3764" the tech said through the phone that was on speaker so Chase could hear. That is slightly more than double. Which means it is more than likely not ectopic. Which is a relief, considering the risk for ectopic goes from 1% to 15-20% since I have already had one. Again, it felt better than last time. It also feels different. Last time, I felt so intensely that it was a girl. This time, I am not so sure. Although, I will be surprised if it is a boy. 

Now, we are looking forward to a doctor appointment, ultrasound, and getting out of the first trimester. I am 5 weeks today (9/8/15), and I am feeling so ready, so excited. With the number of times I have changed my mind this year about how I feel, it is so good to feel ready. I feel really blessed too. I do think things happen for a reason, but I am not generally a person that thinks things fall from heaven. I believe we make choices and generally, things happen because of those choices. But I cannot help but be grateful for how things have happened. As crazy as it seems, it seems like Chase making the decision about what he wants to do with his career was a trigger. Making that decision after kids would have been much harder. Lauren moving home is even a huge thing for me. I wouldn't want to do this without her close. Even Hudson asking me within days of when I conceived, if I was growing a baby. To me that is unreal, too much. The timing at work is impeccable. I am due May 10th, right after the tax deadline (accountants will understand why that is a legitimate concern!). We will have been married for almost five years, which isn't everything, but I am glad we had as much times as we did with just the two of us. We are in the perfect position to have a lot of these big life changes happening at once. It's so good to feel so happy, since I have been so cynical about the whole thing for a while, mostly out of fear and lack of assurance. I also can't help but think this pregnancy will be ok, that we will make it to the end. I should be one of those people that is very apprehensive and nervous. But too many things have worked out too perfectly, too many to be coincidences. I have to believe that it will be ok this time. And I told Chase, it's just like anything--I can choose to be happy with the possibility of being disappointed, or I can be nervous with the chance of being happy. I choose happy now.