The Weekend

Friday morning I woke up and thought I had been hit by a train. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom, and that's it. Chase brought me water and pain meds, and I didn't move until about 3 that afternoon. And I don't mean I laid in bed. I mean I did. Not. Move. I remember thinking, I should roll to my other side. I didn't roll. My mom came down and snuck in while I was sleeping, made a big pot of chicken noodle soup, and sat with me for a couple hours and talked. It made for a better afternoon. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember feeling better. Mom's do that.

Saturday morning I felt much better. We got up and headed to Park City to watch Conference with my mom. I love conference, but I'll need to go back and go over it, considering I was doped up all weekend. Then we went to watch Zach's bike race. My mom got me VIP parking (handicapped) because walking was painful and slow. Zach did amazing, taking 7th and killing his last lap. I love high school athletics. I hadn't had a chance to tell Avery anything that had happened. She was having a bad day Wednesday , the day I had the chemo shot, so I didn't tell her the events of the last couple of days, and she had been out of town for a game. When we were all watching Zach, she ended up being a little late from the airport and had a friend with her, so I decided to wait to talk to her about it. After the race, we headed up to Timberlakes in Heber City where Chase's family has a cabin. Chase went to priesthood with the guys and the girls stayed and crafted. I sure love the cabin. At this point Connie, Tony, Megan and Jeff who were all at the cabin had been informed of the weeks happenings. But grandma and grandpa Thomas, and Jeff, Lisa, Ben and Sophie had not. And that's how I wanted it. I wanted it kept private. Chase and Connie made sure to take care of me though, so I was able to relax. That night I was feeling really good and I don't like how Percocet makes me feel, so I decided to not take one before bed, or during the night.

That was a mistake. I woke up, again, feeling like I had been hit by a train. My abdomen felt like it did before I went to the ER on Thursday night. So I laid in bed, ate two bites of toast, took a Percocet, and slept until Conference started. At that point I went down stairs and laid on a coach. I think Connie knew I wasn't okay. She jumped up and asked that someone on the love seat move so I could sit there, and Chase joined me. She repeatedly asked if I needed water or food or a blanket or a million dollars--I really think she would have tried. Conference was great, although I struggled to stay awake, it just feels good.

And then the session ended, and all hell broke loose. I stood up to join Chase and Tony at the dinner table to chat, five feet from where I had been sitting. After sitting for about a minute, I stopped listening to what they were talking about. I started to get dizzy. Then my vision got blurry. Then my hearing was muffled. I could feel my face drooping and my mouth hanging open. I couldn't focus on anything. I could kind of hear what was going on, but not all of it.

Tony: Chase, she is yellow.
Chase: Chlo are you ok?
Tony: Let's get her laying down.
That's all I've got.

Chase tells me this: They both stood up to help me down the hall, as I dropped my head onto my arm on the table. I tried to stand up once, then sat back down. They helped me up, one on each arm, I took one step, and dropped to the floor. They caught me and laid me down. Chase said he tried to get me to respond to him

"Chloe. Chloe can you hear me." I was looking him straight in the eyes. And then my eyes rolled back in my head.

I came to as Grandpa Earl who was an EMT for many years was suggesting that it was my appendix, something I haven't had for two years. I heard Connie in the back ground telling them to give me a blessing, my third one this week. Chase called Grandpa and Jeff over to join. I grabbed randomly at the wrists near my head, and I got Chase's. I had no idea what was happening, and I didn't quite know what was going on yet or where I was. I felt like I had been sleeping for hours. And then I hear this.

"Chloe Calton Reynolds, by the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood we hold, please stay with us."

I truly thought I was dying. Or at least that people around me thought I was dying.

After the blessing, Chase started telling people what to do and said "We are going to the hospital NOW." I just heard lots of commotion as I layer there. The only thing I remember seeing with clear eyes as I was laying down was Tony's face. I kept saying, "What happened?" And he assured me everything was fine, and he didn't leave. Everyone else was getting the car ready to go. When the van was just out side the door, I was stood up and was helped over to the bed they had made for me. I laid down and that was it. Megan came and sat by me in the back. She's a CNA. Connie came and sat up front. Chase drove. As we pulled away from the cabin, I heard Chase cry for just a minute. He doesn't  cry often. On the way down the canyon Megan took my wrist at one point and then said, "It's there, but it's too weak to count." The second time I thought I could really be dying.

I learned after all of this that poor Grandpa Earl kept trying to diagnose the problem as I was being put in the van. Connie finally turned to him and told him I had lost a baby. Poor guy was embarrassed. And Uncle Jeff pulled Chase aside at one point and said, "She does not have the flu. What is really going on here?" All weekend while I'm walking around slow and everyone is doting over me, Lisa had asked if I was pregnant, and Connie appropriately responded that I was not. But passing out in the middle of a full cabin will pretty much disclose every detail. I was not okay with telling everyone. This experience has taught me that I am much more private than (some) other people. But Chase put it best when I was annoyed how many people had suddenly found out about the WHOLE story, "It's just more people praying for you, that's powerful."

On the drive down things got much more clear. I told Chase to call my parents and Lauren, and to tell Lauren to call Dr. Barton. Chase reminded me that my dad had flown to Greece that morning. "Call him anyway, they might have a layover." And he did. For 90 short minutes he was in New York calling the Heber ER, the surgeon on call, the OBGYNs at Mckay, Dr. Barton and every other resource he had. From hundreds of miles away, he was everything I needed him to be.

We arrive to find a wheelchair waiting. Connie had called ahead. They got me in a bed, gave me an IV with who knows what in it, asked me a bunch of questions, and took me to get an ultra sound (and their technician was not my favorite; very impatient). And then I waited. My mom arrived, bawling, confused at how this was still unresolved (as was I). Then Avery and her cute friend Hannah arrived. I hugged Avery and she cried, this was the first she had learned that it wasn't a normal miscarriage, whatever that means. Not how I wanted to tell her, but she's tough and she understood. Mom took on the job of texting every detail to dad. When we get a lab result back, she tells dad. When the doctor breathes, she tells dad. It helped so that when my dad finally called me back he said, "If you can make it to IMC, do that. Let your own doctor operate on you. And don't let them do surgery unless your tube has ruptured, or you are loosing a lot of blood."

They couldn't tell why I had passed out. Best guess was the high altitude with some blood loss. My hematocrit was down to 32; down 6 points in three days. Not good, but not dangerous. They said the ultrasound showed the mass in my tube was still about the same size, and there was still fluid in my abdomen, but nothing much different. I told them I wanted to go to IMC, and they said that was fine, right after I signed a waiver that said if I die on the way to IMC, they told me I could have taken an ambulance. The doctor made me promise that I wouldn't try to walk into the hospital when we got there.

So Chase drove me to IMC. Everyone else went back to the cabin, mom to PC, and Avery went home to Provo. I called Dr. Barton and he met us there and had me admitted. As promised, I waited for a wheelchair, feeling dumb as pregnant women walked passed me. I was, again, in a gown in a bed in a room, in about 5 minutes. The nurse immediately put me back on morphine and drew more blood. I chatted with Jeff while Chase went to move the car. Per my medicated memory, he thought surgery might be a good idea. Just to see what was going on--why I have ended up in the hospital three of the last five days, why my hematocrit was dropping, possibly prevent a tube from rupturing, or remove a ruptured tube. I was not interested in exploratory surgery, but he had a point. I wanted to know I wasn't going to need another run to the ER in the next few days or bleed out in my sleep. I did make it clear, I would like to keep my tube if possible. So Jeff left and we waited for blood work.

Lauren and Hudson came down after taking Sean to the airport. Chase had Hudson in the lobby and I was filling Lauren in when my cell phone rang. It was Jeff, telling my my hematocrit was 26--down 6 points in the last two hours. That's fast and dangerous. He didn't ask, he told me, "You will be going into surgery in about ten minutes." I told Lauren, who called mom and texted Avery, who texted dad, and so on. Connie and Tony arrived just then. Lauren left to take Hudson to Jan's house. The four of us said a prayer, Lauren came back, and they walked with my nurse as she pushed me two the OR. I wasn't nervous physically, probably the morphine, in fact I think I was oddly cheery, while everyone else was crying. But I kept thinking...I am having emergency surgery for internal blood loss...I would sure like to live...Dramatic I know, but for the past several weeks I had been optimistic, and every fork in the road went south. I had kind of run out of it-will-be-alrights. I hugged Chase, Tony, Connie, Lauren and Chase again. And then I got scared and didn't immediately let go of Chase. But I didn't really have time to be scared. I met my anesthesiologist, and I was out before I got to 3.

Apparently I ripped my feet out of the boots they have you strapped to during surgery. Cool I guess? They went into my abdomen from my belly bottom, my lower appendectomy scar, and made a new incision I've added to the collection on my left side. All very small. Thank goodness for laparoscopic surgery. They pumped me full of air and look around. The 300-500 cc's of blood they thought that might find turned out to be 1.6 liters. Go ahead, have a sprite. Jeff was shocked. They had to use the super sucker, as he called it, to get it all out. They had to rock my body from side to side and move my organs around to get it all out. They estimated the whole surgery would take under 1.5 hours. At just over an hour, they called Chase and told him about the blood, and they were just barely starting to look at the actual problem. They stopped the bleeding, and found a really beat up left tube. The right side is pink and normal. The left side was swollen, twisted, and had huge blood clots attached to it. They removed the clots, made two incisions into the tube to pull out whatever was creating the swollen bumps, but found nothing. So, the theory is that the mass started to smolder and pulled itself away from the wall of the tube after I got the chemo shots. That started the bleeding and that's why I was in so much pain on Thursday. But why the bleeding intensified so much Sunday afternoon, no one knows. It could be because there was nothing in my tube, that the mass rolled (or plundered) out of the tube into my abdomen and reattached itself to the out side of the tube, opening the flood gates for the bleeding. That makes the most sense, since the ultrasound in Heber earlier in the day showed that the mass was still in my tube.

Waking up from surgery is a doozy. Chase makes fun of me because I always talk about how I love the feeling of coming out of anesthesia. When I had my tonsils out, I was basically high as a kite. When I had my appendectomy, I woke up sobbing. I wasn't in pain, just sobbing, for like 30 minutes. My dad was also by my bedside when I came too. But this time I was crying, and rolling around on my hospital bed and trying to wake up because limbo is not fun. It took quite a while to come out of it. Family met me in the hall and walked to my room with me. I was still delirious. I do remember asking Chase to lean down and put his face by mine and just be. I don't think I like anesthesia anymore.

Then everyone left, Chase slept on the window bench, and I slept well most of the night. I had the best nurse at IMC I think. I think her name was Andy (again, drugs). She was so sweet. She told me not to get up without her help. During surgery they pumped me full of 3 liters of IV fluids to replace the blood loss, so I had to pee like 20 times that night. I'll tell you what, having your bum hang out of a hospital gown while a complete stranger helps you get to the toilet that is 10 feet from your bed while you shuffle hunched over in pain... That is humbling. And I just assume do most things on my own. If nothing else, I have learned to take help from those around me, give people the opportunity to serve me. I had to suck it up and ask for pain meds when I needed them, even when I didn't really want to admit I was in pain. So every couple of hours Andy was in my room for about 15 minutes. I asked about her life and she said she and her husband are in the process of adopting because she can't get pregnant after eight years of trying. And then I stopped feeling sorry for myself about no longer being pregnant. Life is just full of little learning experiences and people to remind you. I am still left with my right side, completely functional (they checked it out during surgery), and my left side may heal just fine, and we at least know that all things are going well enough for us to get pregnant. That's an enormous part of the battle. Little victories.

October 2nd

The next day I woke up feeling drained. Probably more emotionally than from the chemo. I let work know I was going to be late and wasn't feeling well. "Don't come in if you are sick."
"I'm not contagious."

When I got there, I looked like hell I am sure. My friend asked me what I had, and I had a mini melt down. I had planned perfectly what I would say so I could lie and keep my secret a secret. But the two of them were very supportive and told me to go home, I shouldn't be at work. But I wanted to stay and get my mind off of everything and get something done. So I worked for a few hours and left feeling a bit nauseous and feeling an unfamiliar pressure in my chest.

I went to Lauren's house and tried to relax. I really did feel ok, I was just anxious. Then I started cramping. We decided to go on a walk to the farmer's market that is two houses from hers. After about 2 minutes, I doubled over in pain. It felt as though someone had punched me in the chest. It brought me to tears, and scared us both. She called Dr. Barton who is also her OBGYN and family friend, and I called dad. Barton said, you may want to go to the ER to get checked for blood clots. Clots aren't a symptom of chemo, but chest pain is not a good thing. Dad said, if the chest pain stopped you should be okay. Lauren and I loaded up the car to head to Ogden, still unsure about whether I should go to the ER at McKay or if I was going to be fine. But on the drive up I could barely contain the pain of the cramps. It felt like someone was blending my stomach with a fork from the front and kicking me in the back. I called Chase to tell him what Barton and Dad had said. "Do me a favor. Stop at my parent's house and have Tony give you a blessing." He was in Park City working and would be behind us about an hour.

We got to Tony, and I still hadn't decided if I just needed to lay down or if I really needed an ER. When Tony realized that I was thinking about not going, he said something along the lines of, Oh yes you are, I'll drive you myself! When I told Chase I didn't know if I should go to the ER, he said, you know how we just keep thinking this is going to end, and bad things keep happening? Go to the ER before something really bad happens. So, Tony gave me a blessing, we left Hudson, and Lauren drove me to the ER.

Upon our arrival, the nurses waiting at the door looked at Lauren, 36 weeks pregnant and said, "Labor and delivery?" Um, no. But when I said chest pain, they all jumped. I was in a gown on a bed in a room in no more than five minutes. The doctor and nurse seemed much more concerned with my chest, which was no longer in pain, just tight, than with the searing pain in my abdomen. It reminded me of the pain before I had my appendectomy done 2 years ago. They did give me morphine, and that helped. A lot. I got a CT scan to check my chest for blood clots. They drew blood to check for internal bleeding, and my hematocrit came back at 38; the low end of normal. I had been bleeding vaginally for a very long time, so maybe that's why. But no one was concerned. So I was sent home with Percocet and Zofran. And the feeling that someone should have warned me that Methotrexate would make me feel like I was dying.

We missed a really great night at the David Eccles Conference Center. My grandpa Ferrell was honored my the McKay Dee Hospital Board for starting the cath lab at McKay. He gave a speech and everything. I was mortified that we missed it.

October 1st

On my way to my appointment on Wednesday, October 1st, I was sure I was going to have an ultrasound, everything would be normal. I was just having an exceptionally long period because I had just miscarried. Worst case, Dr. Barton, Jeff, would recommend a D&C; the removal of excess pregnancy material left behind in the uterus via scrapping the uterus wall. That sound horrifying, so I would simply ask if it was absolutely necessary. If so, scrape. If not, I would continue to moderately bleed until everything ran it's course.

Chase had said to me that morning, "Do you want me to come with you?" I declined. It's an 11:30 appointment right in the middle of the day, and it will be routine I am sure. 

I got there on time, and Connie, the ultrasound technician was great. She was really sweet. She asked me to tell her what was going on and answered my questions as she looked at my belly. But it took a really long time. So I asked what she was seeing. And she didn't say much. "There is some large swelling and a mass over here... and some fluid over here...but there is nothing in your uterus. You shouldn't be bleeding at all. I can't figure this out. What you've told me doesn't really make sense with what I'm seeing."

Back to the lobby. When Jeff called me back, he looked at me and said, "What's going on with you?" Um, I don't know, you're the doctor. We went into a room to discuss what the ultrasound was showing. His bedside manner is great, but he was obviously having a hard time getting to the point. While he talks I'm thinkgin--Ok, so I'm not having a D&C? Oh good. But what was in there? Why am I bleeding again? And out of the blue...

"You have two options; chemotherapy or surgery."

You have the wrong patient file. Sorry, try again. But then he went on. There is a mass in my left Fallopian tube. It is 3.8 cm in diameter. It's the pregnancy. There is no heartbeat, no baby. The baby died weeks ago. But the placenta is still growing attached to the wall of the tube. It's called an Ectopic pregnancy. The stress on the tube as it stretches around the growing mass is where the bleeding is coming from. The fluid in my abdomen is blood from the tube as well. It's bleeding out both ends. It's not a dangerous amount of blood though. The chemotherapy of choice is called Methotrexate. It is no longer used on cancer patients, but it is used on MS patients, other diseases, and Ectopic or tubal pregnancies. The mass is growing at a rapid rate; it is larger than a normal pregnancy would be at 8 weeks. They treat these ravaging placentas like cancer because they will do anything to survive and grow, even without a baby to support. Methotrexate targets and kills rapidly dividing cells, ie. cancer. So the idea is the chemo will cause the mass to stop growing, and be reabsorbed into my body. I won't lose my hair, and will hardly notice any symptoms at all. Ectopic pregnancies are dangerous. They can cause the tube to rupture and internal bleeding can go undetected. The chemo is used when there is no heart beat, the mass is smaller than 3.2-3.5 cm in diameter, and HCG levels are below 5000. Otherwise, the mass is too strong to be thwarted by the chemo, or the risk of rupture is too high, and surgery is the alternative. 

As he talked, I listened. I didn't cry until I tried to ask a question. He was very kind and supportive, but anxious. He said I needed to get the chemo immediately. Although the mass with slightly larger than is usually treated with chemo, surgery is always the last recommendation because it is more invasive. I went to get my blood drawn so they could verify that my HCG was low enough, and it was; 1485. Normally a pregnancy at 8 weeks produces HCG, the pregnancy hormone, in the tens of thousands. So my placenta was producing very little, but growing rapidly. They didn't see the pregnancy the first time I had an ultrasound, the day I found out I was miscarrying, because it was too small to see. And now it was big. 

I called Chase and told him all of that in about 2 minutes, barely able to speak. I was horrified, more scared than I think I have every been. He left work and immediately came to meet me at the cancer center at IMC, where they give the Methotrexate. He expressed concern; doesn't chemo hurt your future furtility? Does surgery sound like a better option? Then I called my dad. I rarely do anything medical without his recommendation first. Through tears I asked if I should let them give me the chemo. He tried to calm me down, but I could hear it in his voice. He doesn't get scared, and to him, nothing requires a doctor unless it's a really big deal, and he sounded nervous. He said, don't let them give you anything until I call you back. As I walked to the Cancer center I called Lauren, who knew I had an appointment that day. And I called my mom who offered to come down just as Chase arrived. We walked upstairs to the second floor of building three. They put me in a room, and right as the nurse walked in my dad called back. He had spoken with a trusted OBGYN friend of his who reiterated the same recommendations that Dr. Barton had given me. I later learned that my dad got emotional as he talked to his friend about my condition. I got the green light from Dad right as the nurse came in with a couple a big syringes. From the time that I spoke with Dr. Barton, to the time I was being injected with chemotherapy, was about one hour. And then I went back to work. That lasted 15 minutes, and I went home. 

September

I kept bleeding. I kept track of it in my pregnancy app in my phone. The same app that kept track of my periods before I was pregnant, the same app that wouldn't stop sending me updates about my pregnancy. After I found out I was pregnant, I signed up for some weekly emails. They kept coming. "Your baby is the size of a pea!" "You are 8 weeks today!" I unsubscribed.

I bled for two more weeks. On September 10, it stopped. And That Sunday, only 4 days later, I started a normal period. I was relieved. I though it might take longer for things to go back to normal. I started doing the math in my head--I could be pregnant in two weeks! End of June baby. But the doctor did say wait at least one cycle. I started to look forward again.

The following week, Chase and I went to the Bountiful temple with one of my dearest friends, Emily, and her husband, Alex. I really enjoyed it. I wasn't full of sadness and heart ache. I was full of hope and happiness. In the Celestial room, Chase and I were talking. This is one of the most precious moments of my life. He said, our baby was too good to be here. We will raise her in a better place.

I didn't know what to say. I had looked on LDS.org and read some talks about miscarriage, still births, and infant death. Of course, some things are left for personal revelation. This was the first time in my life when I thought, I need to dig deep and search for a personal answer. I need to take this opportunity to grow my testimony and my relationship with God. Do I really believe that I will raise the baby we never met in another life? One of the greatest tender mercies I had experienced up to this point was the ease with which Chase and I had agreed upon a name if she was a girl, and the strength with which we felt we were having a girl. And that thought was echoed, without our prompting, by our families. She was really real to us.

Chase then continued, Well I think we are parents. He is so sure, so steady, and so strong in his faith. While this experience has been hard, I shutter to think of going through this alone, or with anyone other than Chase.

After the temple, and after dinner, in mid conversation about something else, my friend, who is a nurse, said, "Miscarriages are more common with a first pregnancy." She didn't know it then, but that was a good thing for me to hear. It made me feel good. I had planned to tell her that I was pregnant that night, it had been scheduled weeks in advance, but I didn't get to. And I didn't have it in me to tell her about the miscarriage just yet.

The following week, I was still bleeding. TMI (as if we aren't far enough past that)--I ususally bleed for three days, and it's very light. At this point, the "normal period" I had started had lasted 11 days and showed no sign of letting up. So I call my doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for the following Wednesday. A total of 18 days of normal bleeding, in addition to the nearly three weeks of miscarrying.

Labor Day Weekend

The next day, I went to a Footsteps for Fertility 5k for a good friend, distant relative, and co-worker of mine. I had signed up to run and support her days before I found out I was pregnant. And the day after I found out I was not pregnant, I showed up to run. I didn't see many of the people I work with. Which was good. It was hard for me to be there. My mom was there though. And after the race, we sat in her car and I cried just a little. Feeling exposed and vulnerable is not something I enjoy and it is hard for me, but it felt good. My mom never had a miscarriage, and she expressed how sorry she was. I think somewhere inside her she wished she had so she could better support me. But I am glad she never had to, of course. I think it has been good for me to experience this, since I had to at all, independent of any family history of miscarriage. I don't know why, I just do. I think it's because I don't love when people take a hard situation and compare it to their own hard situation. Some people, like me, grieve better independently. But that's a loaded statement too, because I needed Chase. I needed those few hard talks with my mom. I needed Lauren, who was out of town during all of this. She apologized for not being there, but I think it was good for me to lean on my mom. And have the conversations I needed to have with a woman, with my mom. I needed to know of those miracle births, of people who "couldn't" have kids, who did. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I just didn't know I needed it yet. My friend did win a portion of an IVF treatment at the 5k, and I couldn't be happier for her. My mom and I then went to my cousin's baby's baptism. She is pregnant with her 7th child. Yes, seventh. She had issues in the beginning, and they obviously all worked out. But that day, all I saw was a pregnant belly I didn't have, six kids I didn't know if I would ever get. But I believe in doing hard things. Showing up to face a fear, rather than staying home to wallow and hide.

I kept bleeding. I wanted to do anything but sit home and think about how sad I was. How I would feel when April 30th came around. What if I have a genetic defect that makes my eggs worthless? What if I have another miscarriage? What if five years from now, I am no closer to having kids? What if I never have a baby? I tried to be optimistic, but these are all legitimate concerns that inherently come with a miscarriage.

Chase took me up to Park City. Jeff and Megan came too. It was good to have some fun and get my mind off of it. But the major bleed happened while we were there. Dr. Barton had asked that if there is anything other than blood, that I try to save it and bring it in. I guess they can test it for causes, possibly preventing another miscarriage in the future. I couldn't do it though, and there wasn't much besides blood. I stood up, felt it, ran upstairs, and ten minutes later it was over, mostly. Chase checked on me, but I did it alone. Not that I had to do anything, other than wait.

August 29

The next morning, I went to work. I was able to get somethings done. Feeling surprisingly optimistic, hoping that my faith and hope would drive the outcome. I prayed so hard on the drive to IMC. I prayed as I walked across the parking lot, passing a pregnant woman on my way. I prayed in the elevator. I literally whispered "please...please...please..." as I walked towards the lab. I was cheerful when the technician stuck my left arm. On the elevator back down, a couple walked in behind me; the woman wearing sweats and carrying a vase of flowers. The man carrying an infant car seat, with an infant inside. I smiled, "That is a brand new baby, so sweet. Congratulations." And I went back to work.

About an hour later I got a call from my doctor, Dr. Jeffery Barton. What a blessed soul. He said the numbers didn't look good and asked if I could come in for an ultrasound that afternoon. My confidence, shaken, but not shattered, I called Chase, met him at home and we drove in silence, hand in hand, to IMC for the third time that week. Three days before we were celebrating. And now we couldn't speak.

We waited in the lobby. We got put in a room. Dr. Barton came in and reiterated, the numbers do not look good. He did an ultrasound. Then he transitioned into, I am so sorry... this was not caused by anything you did... it is relatively common...there is no heartbeat... wait for heavy bleeding...call us if you need help handling the emotions...you will be okay...try again in a few months...

I am pretty good at not crying in front of people. And I didn't cry. I also didn't say hardly anything, for fear that if I opened my mouth the flood gates would open. As we walked out of the office, through the lobby full of expecting women, couples, and newborn babies, I had to hold my breath and look straight at the door, Chase walking behind me. When we made it to the hallway, I took one breath, Chase took my hand, I buried my face in his chest and cried in the middle of a crowed hospital hallway.

August 28

I called my doctors office the next morning. I wanted to hear what someone with a medical degree had to say. And Lauren was right. He said my HCG level was low, and there was a chance of miscarriage, but if my HCG was still doubling every couple of days, there was nothing to worry about. He asked me to come in again, 48 hours after the first blood draw. Then we would know.

I texted Chase something like, "The show isn't over." I have never had such a hard time portraying my honest feelings. Probably because I wasn't feeling much at all. I got frustrated when I came home from work because Chase was smiling, and talking too positively. I think I said something like, I don't want to hear about your great day. I'm going through hell so keep it to yourself. I have never, ever felt disconnected from Chase. But for the first time, I felt that we weren't on the same page. We were in the same chapter of the book, but not quite as in sync as we have always been. That might have been the most painful part of the whole experience. It's not that he wasn't supportive, I just couldn't figure out what I needed from him. His positive outlook on life and trials is, I really believe, the strongest fiber of our marriage. But that day, I needed him to suffer with me.

That night we went to Chase's parents house to bottle peaches. I do remember not wanting to bring it up, but wanting to talk about it. About halfway through peeling, I started to tell Connie what had happened, and that I had jumped the gun withe a self diagnosed miscarriage. I had the tiniest glimmer of hope, but I wanted it to stay tiny. To keep the roller coaster to a minimum. 

Self Diagnosis

And then, I bled. Maybe TMI, but it was all I could think about that night. It was not two hours after we had told Megan and Jeff that I went to the bathroom and felt a pit in my stomach. I got up several times that night to check, but found nothing. The next morning I thought I was ok, until I found more, and this time it was worse--brighter, wetter, and just more. I called my doctor's office and spoke to a receptionist who told me to wait for a call from a nurse. And I waited. Literally. I got nothing done at work as I starred at my computer screen. When she finally called she asked a bunch of questions and said I should have blood work done "in case you're are having a miscarriage."

I immediately went to IMC, got my blood drawn, and left. A couple hours went by, and no call back. I called and was told the results weren't in yet. I called again two hours later, about 4:30, to catch them before they closed clinic. I learned they close at 4. I frantically, and a little pissed, called the front desk of the hospital and asked for the lab. The lab transfered me to client services. Client services said, "I can read you the numbers, but I cannot interpret them." That's fine. I had done my research. I knew, KNEW, because somewhere out on the web I found, via google, that my hcg levels at 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant should be between 2000 and 5000. "Your quantitative level is 80." Translation--I am having a miscarriage. 

Sharing the News

I had envisioned this moment for a long time. I thought maybe I would plan something thoughtful to tell Chase he was going to be a dad. I thought I would wait a while to tell anyone, even family. But little did I know! It's hard to think about anything else really, once you know. I told Chase immediately (see previous entry). I told my doctor and my insurance company the following day (after two tests, to be sure) so I could schedule appropriate appointments and ask some questions. And Friday, the secret became harder and harder to keep. I know, two whole days. We went up to Ogden for a BBQ with some friends, and went to a movie with Chase's parents after. Chase and Tony had a tee time the next morning so we stayed the night at their house. That night, sitting around chatting, they told us a funny story about a friend who sent a text to Connie to announce their baby baby's due date. So... for lack of patience, about ten minutes later, Chase sent a text to Tony that read "April 30, 2015." Tony didn't look at his phone for a while, but when he finally did, Chase and I were in the hallway. "Chase, what does April 30, 2015 mean?" Chase and I looked at each other not knowing what to say. Chase grabs a bag we brought and hands it to Connie as Tony says, "Are you expecting?!" At that Connie lost all control and shakes as she tries to open the bag. A long time ago I broke down and bought a swaddle blanket for a future babe, and we were going to give it to them as the announcement. Needless to say, that blanket will probably stay at their house for the next 8 ish months!

The next day, I got to pick Avery up from the Salt Lake Airport. She was in a hurry to get to Provo for practice, so I wanted to tell her on the drive to her car. We talked about her trip with the soccer team and she ended with, "I'm happy."
"Do you want to be even happier?" At that she put her hand on my shoulder and said , "No way."
"April 30th!" And she wrapped her arms around me and cried. I love having her as my sister. She just knows.

The next day we went up to Heber to watch Zach race his mountain bike. He had been sick the day before but still road really well! After the race, the Fowlers had to go so Chase and I walked to the car with them. "Lauren, don't let me forget to borrow your carseat tonight. I need to see if it fits in my car... "(She knew we were trying so she didn't really react)..."Because we are going to need one. In April."
"ARE YOU PREGNANT???" Followed by scream, hug for five minutes, and lots of tears. I hope I am a mama just like Lauren.

Unbeknownst to me, Chase had told Sean earlier that morning. "I HAD to tell someone!"

Later in the afternoon, Zach and Mom were done with his race stuff and we were by the car snacking. Mom opened a package of peanut M&Ms and said, "Aren't these the best?" And I said, "That's about how big our baby is," rather casually. My mom turned to me and grabbed my arm and kind of stuttered, "Are...are you... are you pregnant?" Half way through her question I smiled, and she screamed, practically did the splits, threw her hands in the air, wrapped them around me, and did that side to side mom-hug thing that I love. And of course, a dance party in the parking lot followed. Zach pointed to Chase and said, "You're going to have a baby!" So matter of fact, and it sounds so good!

On Monday, I finally saw my dad who had been out of town. After Avery's soccer game Dad was about to leave and I walked with him as he put his arm over my shoulder and said, "Are you stressed?" "No.... I'm pregnant." With that he let out a "Ahhhhhhhhh!" and wrapped his other arm around my head and walked with me kind of in a head lock, for lack of a better description. "Wow, well is that a good thing ooooooor a bad thing?" "Dad! It's a good thing!" "Well congrats! It's number three! Like a hat-trick!" "Now Dad, it's a secret for a while, ok?" "Oh no way, I'm going to post it!" "DAD!"

Tuesday, we were headed to Whitney Green's birthday party, so we had Jeff and Megan over for dinner beforehand. While Chase was blessing the food, I nudged him and then nudged him again, and (understanding what I meant) he said, "And please bless the baby to grow healthy and strong." I peeked my eyes open and Megan was staring right at me smiling. AMEN!!!

Positively

Today. Today I woke up, more promptly than my normal snooze-on-repeat routine. I went to the kitchen, grabbed a styrofoam cup leftover from serving hot chocolate at Chase's 24th birthday, headed to the bathroom, opened a cardboard box from the local Family Dollar, like I had for the three mornings prior, and took the test. A glance at the clock and two minutes worth of teeth brushing. Then, I looked at the cheap pregnancy test, not expecting anything different from the previous few days.

See, Chase and I have been talking about you, my baby, since before we got married (admittedly, before his mission). And since we got married, we have had the "when to start trying" talk several times. We always wanted to have kiddos, and we wanted to be young parents too. A few times, we set a date a few months out for our "let's start trying then" plans. That date would come and go and we didn't pull the goalie. And then we had the discussion again in June. And it was different. July came, and the goalie got benched. Little miss red showed her face, not surprisingly, at the end of the month. We weren't sad quite yet, just trying to be patient. Then in August, I got my hopes up. We did everything right (I think!). And about a week ago I started having pinching pains in my lower abs. Not cramps, but similar. I said to Chase, I really think it's going to happen this time. This feels like I think it should (as if I knew what I was talking about). 

So today, the day before miss red should arrive, on the fourth pregnancy test in one week, I took one glance and nearly tossed it in the trash. And then I did a double take. I knew that faint positives were just that--extremely faint. But THERE WAS A LINE! "Chase! Come look at this!" His tired eyes, blinded by the bathroom lights, squinted. "I don't know what I am looking for." "Do you see a second line?!" We stared and stared. And over the next 90 seconds, a shadow turned into a pink line. I even pulled out a test from the day before (don't judge) to compare. Yep. The first one was totally blank, and the second one had a definite if faint line. I showed Chase the comparison. "Holy cow! There really is a line!" And we both smiled. We did it. 

Relieved, excited, anxious, impatient, and grateful. So unbelievably grateful that we were able to get pregnant so quickly. It was a serious concern of mine, infertility. I broke down in tears as I did my makeup by myself a while later and said a prayer for every couple who has to work so much harder than we had to. 

I am so happy. Completely overcome with joy. 

We will become a family of three on April 30, 2015.

I am 4 weeks along.

Baby Reynolds is the size of a poppyseed ❤️

Isagenix

chloereynolds.isagenix.com
chloecreynolds@gmail.com

So this post is a long time coming. I first tried Isagenix in high school when my mom was using the products. But I hadn't really started using the products effectively until a couple months ago. While I was in San Francisco, I was throwing up, bloated, and tired. I came home from a four day trip six pounds heavier! And we had biked and walked all over the city the whole trip. I felt like garbage! I immediately called my mom and said I needed to place an order of isagenix products and get my health in order. During all of this, I was training for a road bike race and eating generally healthy foods (I thought). But the saying, "You cannot out exercise poor nutrition" was coming true for me. I used to say, "I would rather exercise more and eat whatever I want." That thought could not be further from the truth. Quality nutrition fuels quality exercise, weight loss, and a higher quality of life!

While I was waiting for my order to arrive, I did TONS of research. I am a huge skeptic, and I wanted to ensure that what I was about to put in my body was not only safe and good for me, but that it was the BEST thing for me. The results of my research were all positive! Here is what I learned...

The products produced by isagenix are all organic and chemical free. The protein is harvested from cows in New Zealand, and are protected from pesticides and other harmful agents (they also have kosher, dairy and gluten free, options). Olympians have used Isagenix to be leaner, more fit, and an overall elevated level of health, and of course the drug tests have never been a problem with Isagenix. 

The products are also of the highest quality. The protein is grade 7, the highest grade protein available. Other proteins available at costco, grocery stores, etc. are all grade 3-4. This means that your body can only absorb 30-40% of the protein you ingest (that is why "protein poops" are common with those types of lower quality proteins). The protein in Isagenix products is 90-100% absorbable, so you benefit more from the better nutrition. The ionix supreme, cleanse, and all of the products by Isagenix are of the same highest quality. I found more than one source, independent of isagenix, that have done evaluations of the ingredients in the ionix supreme. Take a look at why this product is irreplaceable--you just can't get this comprehensive nutrition from a fruit and yogurt breakfast!

http://www.livestrong.com/article/29766-ionix-supreme-ingredients

In addition to the high quality of the products, the nutrition and wellness plan that is illustrated by isagenix allows for some of your daily caloric intake to be in the form of liquid nutrition. There is plenty of evidence that shows that intermediate fasting or cleansing, in conjunction with liquid nutrition, prevents disease and weight gain. And I will add that it makes you feel amazing! I have loved not feeling like I have a gut full of food! It is good for your body it have consistent nutrition, but not always in the form of solid foods. Isagenix provides a balance of liquid and solid nutrition while never sacrificing the best of macro and micro nutrients.

http://www.nutritionj.com/content/pdf/1475-2891-11-98.pdf

And there is more! All of the products offered by isagenix have a low glycemic index. This means that your blood sugar stays steady all day, allowing your insulin to also remain steady. This is really important! Insulin is a fat burning inhibitor. When your blood sugar spikes, so does your insulin, and insulin prevents fat cells from burning off. Keep your blood sugar steady and your will burn fat with much more ease! In fact, I like to call it fat release, because the fat really does fall off when proper nutrition is in place. 

From Tuesday morning to Friday night, I lost nine pounds! Six of those pound were bloat, toxins, and junk that I had been accumulating. The other 3 pounds were fat that I have kept off, and I am still losing! When I was a freshman in college I was 21% body fat (and I was a collegiate cross country and track athlete). After 30 days using Isagenix, I was 16.5% body fat! I recently ran Ragnar, and the inflammation in my knees was kept at bay. Anti-inflammatory properties is yet another benefit of proper nutrition in Isagenix. Most importantly, I feel amazing. I don't wake up tired, I never feel bloated, my energy is up all day long, and my workouts are going great! I feel strong, I recover faster, and I am not as sore as I used to be after a hard work out. 

I started using isagenix for all of the reasons listed above. But I have since learned that I can get my products paid for, and make money on top of that, by sharing this amazing product with others. Contact me to get samples, learn more, and try this life changing system for yourself. 

Chloecreynolds@gmail.com
chloereynolds.isagenix.com

Independence Day

Independence Day! I just love July. So many fun things to do everyday! And it comes in with a bang! This year, we started our long weekend with a visit to Grandpa Merrill's house. We just sat and talked for two hours. I don't do that enough. I love the man, and he won't be here forever. We talked about school, jobs, family, health, and dogs. He is a rock, completely immovable. That night we watched "Monument Men" which I of course slept through. 

The next morning, Chase and I went on a lovely bike ride with the Fowlers. We had no agenda for the day, and I LOVED IT. I love being involved and busy, but every once in a while, the lack of schedule is so pleasant. We really like the Legacy bike path because there are no cars and we can easily bring Hudson along in the bike trailer. Chase and I continued on to Kaysville to the parade. I am most definitely not a parade person, but it was actually really fun! We got to see Chase's cute cousins in the parade, one playing the drums (eh hem, leading the drums) and the other running the security (eh hem, being scoped by all eligible bachelors). We then went to aunt Tiff's for a celebratory BBQ, only to have her whisked away to the hospital to save a life. We also got a chance to go by a lovely little house in Bountiful that is for sale. Uncle Henry is helping us get started on the hunt, although it might be another year before we find/afford what we want. I am excited to start the process of looking! 

That night we went up to Snowbird with my family. "The Steak Pit" for dinner (note the hilarious Father of the Bride line) was yum, but we can talk more about that later. The next morning we watched Zach KILL his bike race! This kid is crazy. He raced his first Semi-Pro division. As in, he is getting paid to race! In the money! He has worked so so hard to get really fit and it is paying off! The course was awesome because we got to see him go by twice on each of four laps, six miles each. Zach's start was perfect, and from the get go, he was leading the Semi-Pro division and only a few PROFESSIONAL riders were in front of him! I mean the kid has only been riding for like a year! He tore it up. He had one crash that set him back a few seconds, and then he had to stop at the feeding station and get his handle bars straightened. Then a lap later, he got a flat and had to borrow a CO2 cartridge from another rider (bless him) who happens to work with my dad (yes, a grown ace man). THEN he lost his tire again! As he was going by the last time before the finish, he yelled, "I need CO2 to finish the last hill!" At that, Zach kept moving, and dad and I ran to the car, grabbed a cartridge, and I took off booking it running the end of the course backwards trying to catch him before he reached the last up hill. My knee might never forgive me, but it was really fun trying to find  him and help him out. I ran about a mile and a half before I got to him and he used the cartridge and took off again. As he pulled away he said, "Thank you so much! Way to use your running skills!" It's the little moments for 15 seconds on a bike path, covered in sweat, that bring siblings together. I missed the finish, obviously, but he won! And when I finally did get back to him, he said it really was vital that he get a cartridge. In fact, he was going to get off his bike and would have had to carry it for the last up hill mile with a completely flat tire had I gotten to him any later. He is a stud, and I had fun playing pit crew. I can't wait to see where he is next year. Europe world cup maybe??

And so the rest of the weekend, we all got to relax up at Snowbird. It's nearly as much fun in the summer as it is in the winter! Alpine slide, sky coaster, the tram, the pool, and sun! And it isn't too often that the whole crew gets two whole days together. And when we do, there's nothing better. 

Finally, Chase and I got home early Sunday night and watched The Pianist, a movie my dad gave to my for Christmas. He is a real history buff, especially war time stuff. This movie is not for the weak. It made me feel sick and cry. But the reality of WWII is that people suffered. The kind of suffering that is not even real in my world. Nothing will make you appreciate what you have like imagining life without it. So, happy Independence Day. I am so grateful for my freedom to walk, talk and dress how I want. To work and study and live where I want. To worship how I want and not be discriminated against based on my genetics, my beliefs, or my heritage. I am so grateful for my grandfathers, and all those who have fought and worked and sacrificed to create the world I live in. I pray everyday, though, that my husband and my sons never have to go to war. God bless America. 

Vision

On June 30th, I had the most amazing opportunity to get LASIK, a procedure that can fix eyes. Think about that. Broken eyes that don't hardly work at all are made whole. A few weeks prior (well, years really) I had been seriously considering getting lasik. I shopped around for price, facilities, doctors, and referrals. The best price came with the worst reviews (but are we really bargain shopping for new eyes? No.). And the highest price came with a long drive. The best reviews came with a home town doctor that I wanted to give my business to. I decided to go with Dr. Ballif at the Mt. Ogden Eye Center. At my pre-op appointment, my eye exams taught me more about my eyes. I have huge pupils. Normally scan A is taken with the lights off so pupils will dilate. Well, I had to stare at the light before the scan to make my pupils shrink. Also, I have worse vision than I thought I did. The scans (effortless measurements of the geography of the eye as well as prescription) revealed that I had been under correcting my right eye. My contact strength was 3.75 in my left eye and 5.75 in my right eye, but I should have been 6.25 in my right eye all along. In fact, when they asked me to read the smallest letter I could, I just laughed out loud and said "what letters?" My left eye was 20/400 (I see something at 20 feet away as clearly as if it were 400 feet away) and my right eye was off the charts, meaning I could barely see how many fingers the nurse was holding up when she stood 6 feet away. I also have a type of cataract on the backs of both of my lenses. It is shaped like an X because when my eye was forming in utero, it didn't quite finish up and left an X shaped scar on the backs of both of my eyes. It is more severe in my right eye, hence the worse prescription.

When I arrived at the surgical center, I got a little nostalgic taking off my glasses for the last time. I remember when I was in first grade I got glasses for the first time--literally the first time trees had leaves, clouds had texture, signs had words, etc. My teacher had called home and mentioned that my behavior was not good--I didn't pay attention during board work and I bothered my neighbors. When my mom and dad talked about it that night, my dad put some letters on a paper and taped it to the door. "Chloe, what does that paper say?" And my 5 year old self said, "What paper?" Because I couldn't make out the white paper against the white door. I soon after got my first pair of glasses, only to be made fun of at show and tell. For the next several years, I kept my glasses in my desk so I could slip them on to see instructions, or to read, and then remove them. One terrible time, I lost my glasses on the zip line in Park City. How mortifying to not be able to see for days or longer? I distinctly remember hating walking down the halls in sixth grade because if someone I knew was walking past me, I wouldn't be able to tell who they were, so I wouldn't be able to say hi, so I always looked at my feet when I was alone in the hall. In seventh grade, I begged for contacts, and I got them for Christmas. That night I ripped one trying to take it out of my eye, so I started sleeping in them so that I wouldn't rip them and run out. I got used to wearing them until it hurt (usually close to 60 days) and did that for over ten years. I am not complaining, I am reminiscing. Not being able to see properly was a really hard thing for me for a lot of years.

Prior to surgery, they re-examined my eyes and started the anesthetic drops and gave me a valium. In all honesty, I was not nervous at all, likely because I had resisted watching a lasik procedure on youtube. But hey, the valium sure kept me calm anyway. My mom, Connie and Megan came to watch. After I laid down in the chair, it wasn't 10 minutes before I was walking out of the room. First, Dr. Ballif put a plastic ring on my eye (pressure) used a non-burning, blade free laser to cut my cornea into a flap. Then he swiveled my chair and put me under a laser for about 20 seconds. Then he laid the flap down, and the left eye was up. That's it. I laid down in that chair hardly being able to see where I was putting my feet, and stood up looking a nurse in the eyes. I turned around and looked at my mom who was 15 feet away through a window and said, "I can see you." I have to admit, that was really emotional for me. For the next couple hours I slept through the anesthetic wearing off (thank you loratab) and woke up completely fine. For the next week I dealt a little bit with a cloudy haze, some glare, and halos at night. But it has been a full week now, and I haven't had a problem. Some antibiotic drops, steroid drops and artificial tears have helped with the comfort level. I really am amazed at the whole process. It really is a miracle. I am so grateful that I grew up with glasses and contacts so that I could see. And I am now so grateful that modern medicine is so sophisticated that I have perfectly good eyes. I feel like I have left a handicap behind me. My left eye now sees 20/15 and my right eye sees 20/25. My eyes are now a crystal clear window to my soul.

June

What a month June has been! After getting home from San Francisco, we quickly got into the swing of summer. There is so much fun to be had in the summer! On June 7th, I did the dirty dash with my old Tanner friends. Of course I got there late and started in a wave behind my group, but I caught up to them, covered in mud and had a blast! Although, those novelty events (mud runs, color runs, etc.) are not at the top of my list. They are on the list, because they can be really fun, but they aren't at the top. The more fun part of the day was meeting Chase in Park City after the run to go to Oakley and do a bike ride! Sarah Diamond had invited me to be on her Ardura relay team - an all women's road bike relay. So I wanted to practice ride my leg. It was a blast! I am really loving the road biking I have been able to do this summer. Such a fun sport Chase and I can do together. He is much stronger than me, but he never pulls ahead to wait. He always lets me lead and goes my pace. He was a particularly good sport that afternoon because that morning he was in a golfing accident (yes, it's possible). He had a golf cart roll and land on him and it really tore up his ankle. He's tough and went on the planned ride anyway, only because he knew I really really wanted to go. xoxo.

The following weekend was our anniversary. My favorite holiday all year. But first, on Thursday night, we went to Snowbasin for Ethan Annis's wedding, a good friend from high school. It was gorgeous! Seriously the most beautiful wedding I have been to in a long time, and we all had fun too! We had Hudson with us for the night because it was Lauren and Sean's anniversary. Hudson is a good little date and everyone loves seeing him. Sarah and my mom also drove up with us so it was just a big party. After we had been there for a while, and my mom was getting down on the dance floor with Hudson, Chase came over to me and said, "Walk with me?" We walked hand in hand out side and over to the grass and the bottom of the mountain and Chase said, "This is our spot." "Yes it is." "It's where you said yes." "Are you glad you asked me?" "Of course. And are you glad you said yes?" "Well, I don't know if I actually said yes, I think I mostly screamed and ran around." "Well maybe I can make you do that again." And he pulls out a ring box! WHAT?! I opened the box to find a perfect wedding band. I didn't know what to do at first. I got choked up and teary eyed as I put it on. Chase's smile was darling. "Happy Anniversary." How perfect? There are moments that stick out and are seared into my memory forever. How I felt right then and how he was looking at me... I will never forget. 

We continued the weekend with dinner at The Roof and a stay at the Grand America on Friday night. We had breakfast the next morning, did some shopping, and headed up to my dad's house for dinner. We ran out to do a quick bike ride up Trappers Loop (another part of my leg on the Ardura relay) and then had smores back at dads. All while keeping on on the world cup. We woke up the next day (our actual anniversary) and went up to Pineview for an early morning Father's Day ski. I all always be grateful that my dad in so adventurous. I love that he taught me to ski and run and hike and bike and he instilled in me a desire to try new things and use my time and my body to be athletic and see the world. After the best breakfast ever, we went home, cleaned up, and went to Father's Day dinner at Uncle Jeff's and then again to Grandme Nolene's. Everyone wished us a happy three years. I love fun filled weekends. And I am so looking forward to the next year of our marriage. I love Chase with everything I am. 

That Wednesday, my best friend Emily Ann Steele became Emily Ann Bernier, a married woman. The wedding was fantastic. I gorgeous day. The sealing was intimate and personal with only immediate family in attendance, just how they wanted it. Emily's mom helped her dress in her fantastic gown before they made the grand exit. What a beautiful couple. The pictures were fun, the weather was perfect, her flower hair wreath was perfection and so her. The dress screamed her name. And the groom looked strapping on her arm. The dinner was delicious at a unique location, Sea Salt, in Sugar House. Excellent food and better company. A 95 year old sax player, an icon of Ogden, was the entertainment. The photography was stunning. And everything throughout the whole day was so on point and reflective of Emily's style. And she looked so happy. She has been such a blessing in my life, and I look up to her so much. She conducts her life in a such a genuine, caring way. Congrats dear! Welcome to married life, you will love it here. 

That weekend I got to do the Ardura relay! It was so so so fun! I had a blast. We started out with a little miscommunication about the course that got us about 20 minutes behind. But we made it all up! My first leg was from Huntsville park, over Trappers, and into Morgan. Just under 25 miles in 1:24. I was really happy with it! The thing I love about biking is that you can stay at about 85% effort for a really long time! It's a different kind of effort than running. And I love it! I felt really strong up Trappers and I made up some time. I was only 9 minutes behind our A team (We had an A, B, and C team) at the top of Trappers and when I finished my leg we had passed the B team and we were only 2 minutes behind the A team. By the time we got to my second leg (I was leg 2 and 6 out of 8), we had just passed the A team and we were just behind a handful of other teams. The Oakley ride is 12 miles up, turn around and come straight back and it is a blast! After passing a few teams, I road hard to try not to get passed again. What a fun adrenaline rush! Our team was such a fun group too. Sarah, Catherine, and Jessica (Sarah's cousin) and CF was our driver. I will definitely be doing that again!

Finally, the last weekend in June, I was a part of a Ragnar team! Friday morning I got a text saying that we were two hours ahead of schedule because one of our runners was getting his appendix removed and three people had to drop out. I learned this while sitting in a dentist chair! We scrambled to find a few people to fill in. It helps to have athletic friends! We found subs in no time. Meanwhile, a monsoon was hitting the valley where we started. But over the next hour, the rain stopped and it was a perfect 58 degrees and overcast. We hubbed at the Green's cabin. When we headed over to Van 2 start location where I ran into my mom! She did the race with a group of her high school friends. They ran for all of the people from their class that had died and were promoting suicide prevention. How cool is that? Anyway, my first leg (leg 7--first runner in t Van 2) was great! Flat, 4.7 miles. I was so nervous my knees wouldn't hold up. In fact I was so nervous, that I didn't train. I ran probably 50 miles in the last few months. Not enough. But it was a choice between training my body and hurting my knees, and protecting my knees and running on my biking fitness. So I chose the latter. I was able to do my first leg in 36 minutes. 7:40 miles. It's not great. But I was happy with it! It was faster than I thought I would be able to do. After several hours in the car cheering my team on, we went back to the cabin to clean up, rest, and eat. I was taking as much advil as I felt safe taking, rolling out, messaging my legs, and icing. But nonetheless, my knee was really sore. We got in the car to drive to leg 12, my second leg. It's 3.6 miles up Hogs Back hill by east canyon. I ran it in 31:30. Slower at 8:45 miles. But for the first half mile I though I was going to have to stop. Luckily my legs loosened up and I was able to keep moving. And I passed a couple people on the hill, that was fun! As we drove through the night cheering each other on, Kirk told radio fortunes, and I was in and out of sleep. We finally made it through our second legs and headed to the start of leg 31. We slept out under that stars for a few hours before I had to run my finally leg. I woke up to "Hey you need to be ready to run in ten minutes." Well ok! That last leg hurt pretty bad. It was 4.7 miles in 39 minutes (I think). My knee never really loosened up, but I made it. And it felt so good to be done! I was happy I didn't have to run in the middle of the night, or in the heat of the day on Saturday. We took a few more hours to finish up in Park City, and all ran across the finish line with Kirk. Chris organized the whole thing and a lot a people put a lot of work into making it happen. Thank you to all! 

After the race, I went to Pineview to meet Chase and Fowlers for a little sun, BBQ in Huntsville, swig cookies, truffle salt popcorn, and a James Bond movie. And rather than waking up for an early morning ski, my body decided to sleep and recover. Probably a good idea. To finish up June, I will be getting LASIK tomorrow. I am so so so excited!! I can't stand it. I fell really blessed to be able to have the procedure done while I am young so I don't have to pay for and deal with contacts for ten more years before finally being done with it all. Bring on July!

Real Life and Vacations

Holy Cow. Life is so amazingly fun it's unreal! I am so happy, sometimes it hurts. Chase looked at me a couple months go and said, "I am the happiest I can ever remember being in my whole life right now." What better words could I hope to hear from my husband? There are so many things that can change life dramatically, with or without warning or permission, that I just pray this overwhelming happiness lasts as long as we can handle it. I just can't get enough.

Of course, having endless fun does not mean we aren't working really hard to keep moving forward. I started a new job six weeks ago and I am loving it! I have quite a bit more responsibility than I did at my last job, more freedom, and I think I am adding real value to the company. I work for Tom Stuart Construction, technically. I spend the vast majority of my time working on the accounting for several partnerships and properties that are not part of the construction side. I really like what I am doing now, and I really like the direction that the position is heading.

In the last several weeks, Chase and I have been able to go on a few little vacations. For Memorial Day weekend we went to Jackson Hole with family. We drove up Friday night and stayed with my mom and siblings. We went on a killer ride bike ride the next morning along the Tetons. I love that Chase and I have a sport we love to do together (I also love that we have sports we don't do together-- golf, running--I think it is perfect). That afternoon we met Chase's family, did a little shopping, and went to a darling Italian place out side of town for dinner. We picked up Phase 10 and a frisbee on the way back to the hotel and made good use of both the whole trip. Then next day we did a long drive through Yellowstone. I had seen Old Faithful before, but I didn't remember it very well. I had never seen the hot pots, so that was new and really interesting to see. That part of the world is really beautiful. We saw all kinds of wildlife... including some serious people watching. I think my favorite part of the trip was when Chase asked me if it would be ok if we rented an SUV that we could all fit in for the Sunday drive. His parents had planned this trip and wanted us all to be together so having two separate cars would not be ideal for having the whole family together deal. He arranged for the car and everything. He's a sweet heart. The next day Hudson joined us while Lauren and Sean did a mountain bike ride! We went to breakfast and played at the park. He seriously has me wrapped around his fat little fingers. I didn't know being an aunt would be so emotional, and it keeps getting better! Anyway, we then went to Jenny Lake, rode the ferry across and did a lovely little hike to a waterfall. After dinner at Bubba's (yuuum), we drove home through the gorgeous terrain, back to real life.

So, let's talk about that concept really quick--real life. My perception of "real life" when people referred to it as I was growing up always had a negative connotation. But seriously, every day that goes by my real world becomes better and better. And I think that's the idea, right? Why would we live in such a way that we were moving towards a worse and worse reality? Strange concept. I think real life means getting older, one day at a time, getting more responsibility as well as opportunity, and having the chance to make it whatever you want. Real life is awesome.

Anyway, the very next weekend we took off to San Francisco! Lauren had planned the trip for Sean's birthday and invited his siblings and us (I can't wait until Ave and Zach can come with us on trips like that.... MY POINT MADE--Real world = real job = vacations). We flew out early Friday and got to our hotel in the middle of the city before lunch. Speaking of food, wow. San Fran for the win. We started off with Sushi, of course. We then walked to the Fisherman's Warf. There was so much to see! Street performers (some better than others), the ocean, the Golden Gate Bridge, the bay, etc. We picked up some fish and chips to share (sharing is key, so that we never had to pass up the next opportunity for food) that were AMAZING. We walked around taking fun pictures and taking our sweet time. We walked up to Lombard street because that is a must, through China town and little Italy. That night we went to a yummy sports bar and grill to watch a Stanley cup final game. We are Chicago Blackhawks fans (the kind that watch the game and don't even remember who won). Later, and ever night on the trip, we went to bed early and exhausted. For breakfast the next morning, I ruined my ability to eat a normal donut and enjoy it via the Cronut--the love child of a croissant and a donut. Stop reading now, and go find one, preferably at the Posh Bagel in San Fran. It will be worth it. Then we rented bikes and went all over! We meandered through the city to the farmers market, stopped at Pier 39 for fresh crab cakes, road through fisherman's ward again, stopped at the swag center for a big triathlon in the bay, and headed straight for the bridge with plenty of photo opps along the way. Did I mention we all looked special in our rented helmets? Because we looked so so special. The view from the Golden Gate was spectacular. There was a little fog, but not enough to obstruct the view. We continued on to Sausalito for lunch--fish tacos! Where we saw a very patient man stacking rocks. Big rocks on little rocks. It was really cool, despite how it sounds. Then we road back across the bay on the ferry, passing Alcatraz, and saving our legs. That night we went to another yummy sports bar because when the NBA finals are on, that's what you do. That night we RAN through the streets to the Ghiradelli shop for sundays before we realized the stupid Apple maps are unreliable and the shop we were trying to get to was half a mile away and closed in two minutes. Needless to say, we were mortified. Then, Sunday. I woke up at 2:30 am throwing up and really wanting to take back whatever it was that I ate that made me sick (I literally ate roasted brussel sprouts for dinner!). On Sunday we walked to the warf to get breakfast (toast and sprite for the sicky) and Ghirardelli sundays (see what we did there?) but I did not partake given the straight of my insides. At this point I was the walking dead and we all headed back towards the hotel via the cable cars! The driver was hilarious, asking Mallory, "Where's your boyfriend? What happened?" He then assigned her to be apart of me and Chase, welcome to the family! Upon arrival at the hotel, I laid down for a three hour nap and everyone else went shopping. When I woke up I felt amazing and hungry. We went to dinner (you guessed it, sports bar) and then headed to the most darling dessert shop--very chic and contemporary, serving drinks and desserts. Apple crumble HELLO. Monday we rented bikes again. We anxiously went miles out of our way to get to Fillmore's, reportedly the best Cronut shop in San Fran, only to learn they are closed Mondays. We were all silent while we ate our baked goods from a cute bakery around the corner which, on any other day would have been delicious and exciting. We finally made it to the Palace of Fine Arts. This was a must on my list of to-dos. It is HUGE. And gorgeous. I learned that it, and many other elaborate structures, were built for the worlds fair years ago, but they were all built out of chicken wire and paper mache. Thus, the all deteriorated and are no longer around. But the palace was saved and rebuilt out of concrete. Really a gorgeous place right on the water. Then we road to Golden Gate park. The weirdest weather phenomenon happen--the second we got the the park the air dropped 20-25 degrees. It went from pleasant to frigid very quickly, and as soon as we left the park it was warm again. Weird. Then we went to Ashbury street for the best burger I have had in a long time. And the kid at the counter was hilarious. "How is the portable burger?" "Well, it kind of looks like a foot. The foot off that Adman Sandler movie? Black and wrinkly." "I will have the Avacado burger then!" He told us that he pays $850 a month to live on someones couch. He doesn't have his own room, he has a couch to sleep on and a bathroom to share. Talk about high price of living. On our ride back we stopped for calamari. If I am honest, it was not the best I had ever had. Then we turned our bikes in, took one last run around the shopping district, and headed for the train. The train to the airport is a fabulous feature I might add, very convenient. It was so good to spend quality time with friends. No agenda, just taking it slow and getting to know a gorgeous, vibrant city. We had an absolute blast.

365 Days Later

So, one year ago today I wrote a post about the demise of my running career. I promised that I only needed one year. One year and I would be back. I had a perfect plan that couldn't fail that would get me back into running shape all while healing my knee. I didn't stick to it as closely as I hoped I would. I think I am actually in about the same shape. I have done some running, but not enough. The developments pretty much include buying a road bike and taking running easy like the last few years. I am doing a 5k Dirty Dash and Ragnar in June, so that will be fun. In order to train for Ragnar I bough some Altera zero drop ultra fusion square toe box shoes that I really love. I have had the normal knee pain around 20-30 minutes of running, but just this week I did a run that included substantial downhill without pain - I'll take it! I am pretty much praying I can get through Ragnar without a problem, and after that I will reassess. I am disappointed in my lack of improvement in running, but I am excited about biking! I am doing a relay in June that I am also training for, so that should be a blast. I am hoping I won't have to replace running with biking, because I hope that biking will help my knees and my strength. *sigh*

Busy Season and Graduation

We arrived home from the cruise on Sunday night around 8 pm. The next morning I began an internship with Tanner LLC, a public accounting firm in Salt Lake, and Chase continued full time employment with Utah Broadband. And we both began our last semesters of school! Chase had a full schedule and I had one class. He was working 40 hours per week and I was too, until busy season started. In accounting, the months of February through April and August through October are "busy." These are the months leading up to tax filing deadlines. Thus, in February I worked 55-60 hours per week, in March I worked 60-65 hours per week, and until April 15 I worked 70 hours per week. Let's be honest, there are many accountants (and other professions) that work more hours than that. But it was hard. Being at work all day everyday wasn't the hard part. The hard part was getting home, getting straight in bed, then waking up and going straight back to work. Chase and I had time to chat a little before bed and in the mornings, and I called him everyday while I ate dinner, but it was tough. I don't know how some people spend half of every year doing that. I enjoyed my experience and I learned a lot. The people at Tanner are great, and I made some good friends. But after the April deadline, I took three days off and went to St. George with my family for Easter. I got to mountain bike with Zach for the first time ever and it was a blast! I am already addicted and I need a mountain bike! Maybe next year. Anyway, I came home, went to work on Monday and decided it wasn't something I wanted to do long term. I went to graduation that Friday without a job, which was hard for me to swallow. I am a bit embarrassed because I have planned on this for so long. But I am really excited about a job prospect coming up. We'll see how that turns out. 

Graduation! What a fun day. My dad wasn't able to come to the ceremony so he invited Chase and I to breakfast that morning before he had to leave town. Yummy Moore's! When Chase and I pulled into the parking lot at the Dee, we got out to put our caps and gowns on and just laughed at each other! We, and everyone, looked so goofy in the traditional get-up. We then walked inside, lined up, and waited with our respective colleges. It's a very long process, and rather boring, but it feels good to put a cap on our degrees. Our friend Abe spoke at commencement and did a great job, the symphony was beautiful (really), and we were able to spot each other from across the Dee. We moved out tassels, and that was that. We had to move quickly to the Browning Center for my college's ceremony. I lined up, walked in, and listened to some more speakers. And then, I was hooded by my two favorite professors. I was actually really excited about this part. It's just cool to be recognized for the degree earned. It was quick, and I really enjoyed it. After, we took pictures outside with our supporters. Parents, Lauren, Avery, and some of our grandparents were able to be there. Then, it was time for Chase's college ceremony. He graduated from the college of Arts and Humanities, and his ceremony was a party! A far cry from the traditional ceremony of the college of business and economics. They played music and performed and it was a lot of fun. Chase was darling walking across the stage as he winked and gave a thumbs up. He gave his favorite professor a bear hug, and just like that, he was done too. After more pictures outside, we went to my mom's house where she hosted lunch for those that came to be with us. Thank you for everything, parents, for never missing a chance to cheer us on. Thanks to Lauren and Sean, perfect examples of hard work, particularly in school. Thanks to grandparents for being supportive. And thanks to Zach and and Ave for working so hard, having a few years to go, and being happy for us. It was a good day. That evening, Sean got back into town and wanted to celebrate with us, so we spent time with the Fowlers, and the following night they took us to dinner to congratulate us. It's really cool to have your sister and brother in law be your best friends. I recommend it. 

And now, we are done. It's the first summer in a few years that we aren't taking classes. Chase is still enjoying his job and I am looking for a new one. It's weird not constantly having a to do list; study, read, homework, exam, repeat. Real life, or post college life, is sort of fun! Chase goes to work, I take care of everything else, and following on this job prospect (cross you fingers!) and we still have time to do fun things together. I am really excited to enjoy the status quo for a while. No moving, no new cars, no school (no tuition!), but yes, I will start a new job soon. It's a great time to be 23, graduated, married, and absolutely loving life. I couldn't be more grateful for where I am and where we are. When Chase and I got married, he had one semester of school done and I had two years done. And now, between the two of us we have three degrees, no student loans, a healthy savings account, and the world is our oyster. Toot, toot!

The Cruise

So, cruises. I had never been on one, so of course I wanted to try it out. Chase and I had talked about going because he had been with his family when he was younger and loved it. A few months before Christmas Mom announced it was booked! We didn't know where we were going immediately, and when we finally found out we were obviously excited - St. Thomas and St. Martin for New Years! It was perfect. After all of the crazy business from Christmas, we packed our bags and got on a red eye to Florida. I don't know if I have ever been so tired in my life. I don't know what it was but I was a zombie. That painful kind of tired. I am sure we all looked pathetic laying in a heap in the middle of the airport. When we finally got to board the ship, I was mostly surprised. It's like a small city. I was completely disoriented for three whole days. I never got sea sick, but the boat definitely rocked. We were on the Freedom of the Seas - Royal Caribbean. It's huge. The first day we basically had time to get settled, watch some football on the upper deck, and go to dinner. I was really looking forward to the food part of the trip. The dining rooms are massive and very fancy and the menus each night were unreal. Steak and lobster and escargot and everything else under the sun. By the end of the week I almost couldn't think about eating a big dinner again. Can we talk about the all you eat pizza? Seriously, all you can eat, 24 hours a day. Luckily the pieces were smallish, but I am pretty sure I ate multiple full sized large pizzas that week. Also, the french fries... battered and crispy to perfection. Yum! I had intentions of working out at the gym on board everyday and I think I did once. 

Each day we had a million things to do - flow rider (I really thought I would be good at this, but I am so so not), ice skating (yes on a cruise ship, with my mother, wearing helmets, so hilarious), mini golf (in 100 mile an hour winds on the front top deck of the ship), karaoke (with Lauren and Avery - Avery chose the worst possible song "Say My Name"... remember the part where Beyonce sings a million miles a minute? Well we looked like fools in front of a bunch of 13 year olds), basking in the sun, reading good books (Women and the Priesthood - excellent for anyone who wants to understand that relationship better), endless pina coladas, and the casino! Chase and I faced sure addiction had we been on that ship too much longer. But seriously, it's fun. We came out about even playing blackjack, craps, and roulette every night. We came home and bought a set of chips at target so we can play at home! 

The days on the islands were my favorite. Day two we stopped at a tiny island owned by Royal Caribbean and played in the sun, sand, and ocean. We also found some Brazilians to play soccer with on the beach! Definitely a top five moment of the cruise. We white folks held our own and had a bunch of fun. 

Day four we were on St. Thomas. We signed up for an excursion to snorkel and it was fun. We rode a boat to the opposite side of the island where we snorkeled and saw a few turtles and stingrays. I just loved swimming in the ocean. The salt was a little much (dry lips!) but I was just happy to be in the sun with the family. Unfortunately, we only had a bout 6 hours on the island and we were on the excursion most of that time. 

Day five we were on St. Martin. And I seriously would move there tomorrow if I could! What a gorgeous place. We decided against the excursion so we could stay together (Huddy couldn't do the excursions) and see more of the island. We found a man (who was a body builder and a very massive human) who took us around the whole island and recommended all the best places to see and eat. We had smoothies and seafood on the French side of the island and hiked to the top of an old fort on a hill. On our way back to the other side, we stopped at airport beach. How had I never heard of this place before? Chase had seen it on the travel channel or youtube or something. Apparently it is world famous. It's this wide but very short beach. There was probably only 30 feet of beach in some spots before you run into a two lane road and a fence. On the other side of the fence is an airport and landing strip. So you have people swimming in the ocean about 60 feet from where 747s are taking off and landing. CRAZY. The planes were coming in only a few minutes apart and every time you thought they were going to hit the fence, or your head, because they flew so low. And when a jet took off with its back to us we could feel the heat from the engines and it nearly blew us away from the fence! And the beach it's self was awesome too - the water was so so blue and deep too, so we could swim close to shore. This was the highlight of the trip for me. So beautiful and so fun. 

On the day that we got off the ship, we went to Orlando for the afternoon before going to the airport. Such a beautiful city! I pictured it more like Miami - very tight and concrete. But it is actually very open and the are cobble stone streets and a huge farmers' market and a beautiful park! I would definitely go back there. We ate lunch on the patio of a yummy restaurant (before learning that inside it was a drag show!) and headed back to the airport. Back to real life. Thanks for the memories and experiences mom! You are so generous and good to us kids. We all had a blast! 

August 27

I called chase and told him. I didn't cry, and neither did he. I was very matter of fact. I was sad, but didn't really feel anything yet. I mean, am I allowed to even feel sad? I was only aware of the pregnancy for 6 days before I started bleeding. In physical terms, I kind of just had a late period.

But emotionally, I had envisioned being a parent. I had envisioned Chase as a dad. I had spent the previous Saturday going all over town selecting the best car seat and stroller. We had told our immediate families that we were expecting. I had fallen in love with the name that we already agreed on. We were some how sure of the gender, and everyone in the family had said the same thing; that we were having a girl. But at the time, I didn't feel anything. It was a Wednesday. I went about my day. I even went to my soccer game that night. That's how sure I was that it was over, there was nothing I could do. My dad called me out of the blue and asked how I was doing, "How's my pregnant daughter?"
"Not pregnant."
Chase did the noble deed of sharing our sad news with his family so I wouldn't have to. One emotion I do remember feeling was regret; I wished so bad that I hadn't told anyone we were pregnant. Next time, I thought, we aren't telling anyone until we absolutely have to. I texted my sister Lauren and told her I was miscarrying. And I texted my mom. I texted Avery and Zach to tell them what had happened. And then I put on a happy face and played my soccer game. There were two brand new babies on the sidelines.

Afterwards, chase took me to dinner. We went to Olive Garden, the greasy old place we used to go to on dates in high school. We had a good time. I almost lost control once, and decided I didn't want to talk about it. I called my mom when I got home and bawled. I don't do that, I don't cry to my mom. Ask her, I just don't. But I completely lost control while Chase was in the next room, not knowing what to do. 

Then I called Lauren. She asked for details.
What exactly did the doctor say?
Well I haven't talked to the doctor.
What was your HCG?
It was 80. It should be at least ten times that.
She had spoken to a dear friend of hers, with my permission, who had gone through too many miscarriages in the last year. Her friend had said that bleeding was normal, and having low levels is normal. And suddenly, I thought maybe we were ok. 

Christmas 2013

Christmas decor doesn't go as far in a small space. Next year I will likely collect a couple more collectibles. We did finally decorate the Christmas tree. Chase says I am in charge of weaving the lights into the branches every year from now on. I must admit, I strung those lights like it was my job. My dad taught me well. And I told Chase he is the tree-toper-puter-upper. I think it's just a thing in my head- the dad (or future dad) puts the star up. Just because.

Christmas. What a fabulous time of year. Busy as all get out, but so worth it. I thrive on busy so the hustle and bustle of tis-the-season-prep doesn't bother me a bit. I enjoy it. The first Christmas party of the season took place at Jeff and Lisa's- Chase's uncle and aunt. They just completed an addition to their home and it perfectly fits all ten million people on the Thomas side of Chase's family. It was an ugly sweater party- so I appropriately wore a darling sweater I had purchased at H&M the week before (the darlingness doesn't photograph well- I swear I am not pregnant and I haven't gain 30 pounds). We played the game "Names." I enjoyed it, but I learned a new level of intensity can be generated when people that love each other want to destroy the other team. Santa came, as always, and I was not forced to sit on his lap. #idontknowhim

The next party was at my Grandpa Merrill, my mom's dad, and Joan's home. That side of the family has gone through some major overhauls in the last five years- some more fortunate than others. Five marriages, three divorces, five new babies, a few graduations, and everything else under the sun. This Bean family looks different than it did not too long ago. But one thing has not changed. Grandpa takes his roll as patriarch of this family seriously, and every Christmas he tells us a story and gives some advice. The man loves. He just loves endlessly. We almost lost him this year. A terrifying experience. I didn't have much time to be terrified for the need to hold my mother together. Grandpa has always had a bad back. He worked in a warehouse in his teens hauling 100 pound bags of sugar. The story for this year's Christmas tale started here. And instead of telling us all how that job nearly killed him 70 years later, he told us how his bad back prevented him from enlisting in the army initially. Later, he was able to conceal his bad back and go into the air force. The air force has been one of the most defining characteristics of the man's life. So of course, he is grateful that 70 years ago, he ruined his back hauling sugar. Gratitude. So, earlier this year Grandpa was in the hospital for months. First, he fell. He went in for an injection to help the pain. He got staff infection from the needle. He had an MRI that told us there was a hotdog size pocket of infection wrapped around his spine where there is hardware from a surgery a couple years ago. He lays in bed in unbearable pain for weeks. He begs for pain meds… that's something you don't see everyday from a man of his strength. He couldn't eat or move or practically blink. He was moved to a pain clinic. Then he was moved back to the hospital because no one could figure out a combination of antibiotics to clear the infection and pain meds to keep him from writhing. Finally, my mom called me late one night and said he was going in for surgery. He was so weak from lack of movement and nutrition that putting him, at age 86, all the way under might have meant he just might not resurface. My mom, Lauren, and I went down to the University Hospital to see him. Some darling men from his ward gave him a blessing. After that, we knew he would be ok. And he was. After a long recovery, Grandpa is now home. He swims, lifts weights, rides a bike, and rocks a cane and a gangster lean. He is determined to get better and get stronger. What a man, James Merrill Bean.

Christmas Eve. We skied with my dad, Jessica (dad's fiancé), Avery and Zach. For a few runs before meeting Mom for a few more and lunch. It's always a good time sitting in Needles lodge next to a giant fireplace with arguably the most beautiful view in the world. It's definitely one of my favorites. Snowbasin means a lot to me. So does my mom. I have a lot of her in me, and I wouldn't change it. That night we spent some time at Grandma and Grandpa Reynolds house with some of the family. We ate soup and cookies.

Christmas day. Chase and I woke up around 7:30 to open presents. We are the type to do most of our shopping together so the after Christmas returns are kept to a minimum. This year, I got a bunch of clothes. And then I opened a Steve Madden box. Seriously, Chase is so on point. Boots will ever be a bad choice. I definitely did not see that coming. I got him some things he asked for/needed. And A beautiful over coat from BR. Alas, he wanted a down coat instead. It's fine. I will likely buy the same BR coat again next year so he has to keep it.

Christmas breakfast, you know the casserole and pull apart rolls and oranges, took place at Fowler's this year. De-light-ful. A swear, I never get sick of talking about how much I adore traditions. Namely food traditions. And this year we had a nephew to enjoy! Last year we did too, but he was three months old. This year he was excited to explore his gifts! Grandma got him a pack-pack for our upcoming trip. Oh, I guess I should mention that my mom got all of us a CRUISE for Christmas. She outdid herself again. More on that later.

Then Chase and I took off to Ogden to see his family. More casserole and cinnamon rolls (HOMEMADE). Connie and Tony got me the most adorable coat. I seriously almost got teary. It's a BR coat (yep), and I feel like a princess in it. I am turning into my mom… I have like a drizzilion coats and I want more. My mom is a coat woman. We all exchanged gifts and ate and ate and sat and talked. Sounds about right for a Christmas brunch.

THEN Chase and I headed to Grandma Jan's. Grandma lives alone and loves her shag carpet. She recently fell and broke her collar bone so she is even more frail than she used to be. I gave her a hard time like I do every year about the tree that is framed above her fireplace. It's felt with her mother's jewelry pieced together to form a tree. I love it, but how are we supposed to wear Great Grandmother's family heirlooms if there are glued to a felt Christmas tree? Anyway, Grandma is a woman who has grown sweeter with age. She is just as sweet as can be. And just as we were leaving, Connie and Tony brought her some breakfast because no Grandmother of mine goes without Christmas casserole.

THEN we went back to Bountiful to visit with the Thomas side of the family. What a riotous group. Food and presents and singing and wild stories from cousin Bridger and ahhhing over Whitney's engagement ring (the newest soon-to-be cousin) and wondering if cousin Tasha will have a girl or boy (GIRL!) and Grandpa Thomas's grandfatherly pre-prayer pep talk.

THEN we drove back to Ogden to be with the Calton family for dinner. This family never deviates from the traditional Christmas dinner (thank you). I made Great Grandma's pie and dad fried the turkey. It's essentially Thanksgiving over again. We got to see our cousin Katie and her husband! They have lived in Korea for almost two years, and we missed them. I must say, the most memorable thing about my Grandpa Calton is his love affair with his late wife, Patricia. She has been gone for about 8 years, and I don't recall a Christmas or Thanksgiving when Grandpa has not professed his love for her. He calls her His Dear Sweet Wife every time. He advises everyone one of his posterity, "Be kind to one another, love each other, because one day, one of you will be alone." How true it is. What an example. One other thing that I love about Grandpa- whenever I talk to him on the phone, I say "bye Grandpa, love you." And he says, "And I love you Sweetheart." And the inflection in his voice is the same every time. I ought to record it or something. I love that sound.

And finally, we went back to Bountiful to Grandpa and Grandma Reynolds house. We exchanged gifts, had dessert, and watched a darling old Christmas move… the one about the performing sisters and the two army guys that end up saving the old hotel? So classy and sweet. We played Rummi Cube during the movie. That's one of those things that will always remind me of Grandpa Darrel.

And that was Christmas this year. Chase and I have been skiing the last few years on Christmas. It's another tradition we wanted to start. But I guess this year we thought we would drive all over kingdom come to be to every single family member on Christmas. And it worked, and it was fun. It really felt like Christmas. Something about being with tons of people all day that love the heck out of ya just feels like Christmas. Christ wants families to be together forever, and that includes Christmas. So, happy birthday. That night when Chase and I finally went home we read Luke 2. It's such a short account of what really happened. Just look at the novel I have written about one day of parties. And the single most important day in history, save maybe the resurrection, gets only a couple pages of scripture. But I think that's how it's supposed to be. Use your imagination, and feel Christmas, rather than reading the literal words. This year, I felt Christmas.